Elon Musk Announces Elon Musk

by Ben Kaplan, Silicologne Valley Correspondent

Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, founder of PayPal, and originator of the Hyperloop Concept, has announced his latest breakthrough: an Elon Musk cologne line.

“With the (very) rich scent of Elon Musk pervading one’s body, men—and women—can maximize working duration and efficiency by inundating the senses to dull their mind against non-working distractions” declared the billionaire inventor.

Elon attributes the power of his Musk to its scientifically engineered design and manufacturing process. Ingredients include lithium due to its mood improving neuroprotective properties (so one feels better about working a 16 hours overtime). Pheromones distilled from the towels handed out to the hardest working engineers at Tesla and SpaceX. Small quantities of rocket fuel (‘cause rockets are awesome)! And California cedar extract, because Elon thinks it smells nice during those rare moments he ventures outside his office, the testing facilities, or his mansion (which probably has an automatic car elevator in its garage, minimizing exposure to the temptation of nice weather/spending time outside).

But what really gives Elon Musk an edge over the competition is its state of the art manufacturing process. Every vial of Elon Musk is mixed drop by drop with automatic robotic pipettes capable of drip-dropping 387 drops of Elon Musk ingredients per minute. Once drip-dropped, the vial is tested by an electronic nose capable of detecting molecules at parts per quadrillion. Finally, each vial is shaken up by a robotic arm encased in glass (for the protection of the factory workers) capable of 19 pumps per second—“which is 8.7 times the maximum amount of pumps by an arm on an adolescent boy arm who just discovered porn” quipped Mr. Musk.

Lastly, one cannot fail to mention the elegant packaging of each vial: A mono-colored bottle with a bulge at the bottom that tapers off until 2/3rds up its length, building out again to the same width as the original bulge before quickly tapering into a minimally protruding spray nozzle, decorated only with a white “EM” logo.

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