Day 7: They Still Do Not Realize I Am Not a Readme

by Kevin Thies, Secret…Aaaaagent Man

What is “readme”?

That’s the question I’ve been asking myself more and more lately. It only first occurred to me as I stood in front of the barren kiosk, the usual perch of the weekly readme. Where do they come from? Are they sustainably sourced from a room of students, the input being food and coffee, and the final product being these documents scattered around campus?

I’ve been asked many a time to write for readme, since they’re constantly looking for funny writers, non-funny writers, photomanipulation artists, and freshmen, and I finally decided to jump in and see just where readme gets its content. Writing for readme would allow me to go undercover and see just where it comes from.

However, this proved more difficult than I had originally anticipated. First of all, I had to find something to write. Afterwards, I would have to use the pretense of writing for readme to get into one of the meetings. I hesitantly decided the 4:30 meeting on the 27th would do for my infiltration. After those two steps, I’d be in the home stretch.

Now, the question turned to finding an appropriate subject to write about. After all, I would need to write for readme to successfully infiltrate their system. However, I figured the writing could come later. It was then that I realized that there was another, more subtle, question to address. How? How does one write for readme?

Having gotten used to keeping an eye out for the latest readme before entering Schatz, I began flipping through the pages while pretending to not be alone so as to not draw too much attention to myself. I knew readme was typically filled with funny content and witty commentary. However, I myself wasn’t graced with good writing or a particularly strong sense of literary humor, so I felt that was out of the question. I realized then that what readme was looking for wasn’t dying memes or political commentary, but another meta article. People love meta, even if it isn’t particularly funny. The stage was set. All I needed to do was wait for the meeting and set the plan in action.

Fast forward a few days. I successfully got into the readme offices. The staff there thought I’d be writing an article, and didn’t suspect a thing as I jotted down notes, keeping track of the small details and topics, especially when they started making waffles. These had to be what they sustained themselves with, the input to the system that creates readme. I asked Janine, a “fellow compatriot,” if the waffles, and by extension readme, were sustainably sourced. Her answer, and the very thing my search had been for all along, was no. There it was. readme is not sustainably sourced, and was fueled by waffles, not coffee. My quest being over, I inconspicuously hung around for another hour before being one of the last ones out.

Nobody suspects a thing.


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