David Bowie Dies Again to Kick Off 2017

by Daniel Bork, Celebrepocalypse Correspondent

Numerous sources are reporting that, tragically, 2017 has already begun its run at 2016’s unprecedented celebrity body count, as beloved English singer-songwriter David Bowie has died, again. According to the New York Times report, the reanimated corpse of Mr. Bowie, 69+1, was spotted by security guards at approximately 7:30 A.M. Friday morning attempting to shamble over the White House lawn security fence. Defying its apparent uncoordination and advanced state of decomposition, the iconic undead creature then performed a complicated end run around security personnel on the North Lawn, taking advantage of the fetid stench of its rotting flesh to ward off canine units and open up gaps in surveillance coverage. Upon reaching the North Portico, the then-former Mr. Bowie, dressed in a nightgown and gauze blindfold resembling those worn in the video for his recent hit single “Lazarus,” proceeded to set up a series of battery-powered stage lights, which flashed in dazzling unison as the trespassing ex-Englishman was finally gunned down by Secret Service agents.

“I thought it went over pretty well when I died of liver cancer at the beginning of 2016,” explained the recently re-deceased in an exclusive interview with Readme, “but, this year, I thought I’d do something with a little more pizzazz. Something that tells you that 2017 is really a year you can get excited about. I know there were a lot of complaints about that last year, that after my first death, it was all downhill from there. And…sorry, excuse me for a moment,” paused the noted serial corpse, manually readjusting its deteriorated facial muscles into a crude facsimile of a contemplative frown. “It really breaks my heart to see my fans disappointed about the insufficiency of my demise. Metaphorically, that is. Literally, my heart is actually the healthiest remaining major organ in my cadaver, and the power of vision departed my vacant sockets at least 3/5 deaths ago.”

White House personnel reacted ambivalently to the episode; while mortified by the apparent security breach, many respondents seemed to appreciate Dead Bowie’s choice of the Executive Mansion as a promotional venue despite the potentially ominous connotations of his extensive putrefaction. Senior Counselor to the President Steve Bannon, for instance, observed that “we were really worried about the lack of star power at the Inauguration, but Bowie really came through for us, regardless of how the vultures circled overhead for hours afterwards and the screams of the burning damned threatened to drown out President Trump’s address. We at the Trump Administration welcome the contributions of all types of carnage, including both American and British, to the ascension of our regime. And, from a personal standpoint,” continued Mr. Bannon, pausing to adjust his Ziggy Stardust t-shirt and wipe stage makeup from his pallid, clammy face, “as an undead creature myself, I’m a big fan. I consider this a real step forward for the rights of all unrepentant sinners and atrocious net-negative human beings, such as myself, worldwide.” President Trump himself could not be reached for comment, as he had become trapped on the steps of the US Capitol after much of the National Mall suddenly descended into a boiling lake of fire. At press time, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer had released an official statement that affirmed that everything in “the hottest inauguration of all time” was going to plan, and that the rash of earthquakes associated with the geologic upheaval were “exactly what the American people need to shake up Washington.”

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