CRIME ALERT 2017-002: Local Computer Cluster Terrorized by Handwriting Narcissist

by Cam Wong, Graphology Correspondent

PITTSBURGH, PA—The denizens of a computer cluster on Carnegie Mellon campus reported repeated attacks yesterday by a mysterious figure who scrawled a number of unintelligible charts, graphs and figures onto the cluster whiteboard before vanishing into the night. Such attacks have been occurring throughout the semester, citizens claim, but with varying regularity and intensity.

Oftentimes, the charts are a quick source of anger and debate amidst cluster residents. “I’ll just walk in some days, and there’ll be some new graph of ‘various anime ranked by secondary animal lead’ just sitting there,” says Nick Rauen, the self-proclaimed protagonist of life. “Most of the time, it’s not even accurate! Whoever this guy is, he should at least fix his taste in anime.” According to one source, however, the real danger is in the graphs’ power to drag the cluster into an intense discussion (said source requested anonymity for fear of losing rank on the recent “best cluster dwellers” list). “I was planning on finishing my 112 project that day,” our source says, “but then I ended up dragged into determining where my haircut placed me on the prescriptivism spectrum! It took four hours and we still couldn’t even agree on the definition of ‘hair’!” Truly, this madman is a threat to peace and productivity clusterwide.

readme’s political correspondent was unable to be contacted for comments.

Senate Republicans to Launch Investigation Into Trump Autocannibalism Scandal

by Daniel Bork, Delicious, Delicious Correspondent

For the past few weeks, Senate GOP leaders have been consumed by the question of how best to respond to rising popular pressure over President Trump’s autocannibalism scandal. Beginning last month at a press conference in which it was discovered that the growing porosity and increasingly ruddy tinge of Trump’s skin was caused not by illness or foreign sabotage but by the President systematically excising and consuming significant sections of his own body, the issue came to a head over the weekend in the gruesome audio recordings leaked to the Washington Post. Many congressional Republicans in recent days have ruminated off the record to readme on the possible reactions: while no politician wants to appear soft on cannibalism, a total condemnation risks alienating the very populist base that powered their 2016 re-elections, a prospect that many in the Senate find tough to swallow. However, according to a Wednesday New York Times report, the Senate majority has finally finished digesting their options and plans to respond with a full investigation by the powerful Committee on Agriculture, Nutrition, and Forestry, to begin as early as this April.

Reached for comment at his Lexington home Wednesday, Sen. Mitch McConnell, an influential committee member who is also the Senate Majority Leader, responded that “since President Trump’s policies have been a great boon to conservatism when he has not been preoccupied with responding to media attacks, the time has come to clear the President’s plate by bringing the full power of the committee to bear on this unfortunate happenstance in the form of an investigation.” When asked about the possible cause of Trump’s self-masticatory fixation, McConnell speculated that “while Dr. Bornstein has assured the American people of President Trump’s unprecedentedly superlative health, it may be that the pressures of the Presidency have led him to become somewhat malnourished. Many non-experts do not know this, but the human body is actually the most complete known source of nutrition, containing every essential amino acid needed to survive in exactly the required proportions. A healthy adult male such as the President can expect to survive up to 4-6 weeks on the fruit of his vessel alone.”

When pressed for comment on the political implications of the scandal, a clammy and visibly pale House Speaker Paul Ryan, who was spotted Thursday desperately choking down chunks of his own flesh in the bathroom of noted Capitol Hill hotspot Charlie Palmer Steak, stammered that “I really think Trump has been great for party unity. We used to have all these factions, you know…the Freedom Caucus and the Tuesday Group and all that, who all ate separately and were all chomping at the bit to undermine each other.” After pausing briefly to suppress his gag reflex with a quick punch to the lower lip, Ryan haltingly continued: “Now, everyone’s working together to implement this new dining policy. I really think of this election result as a great victory for the conservative policy vision worldwide.” At this point, the Speaker became intensely focused on a particularly tough piece of his own thigh gristle and refused to respond to further attempts at questioning.

President Trump, in a rare phone interview with readme, rebutted concerns over his autophagy by noting that “Mmph, so good. Mmm. Delicious. Yeah.” In response to questions about the impact of his ingurgitation on the forthcoming re-rollout of his executive order on immigration, the President remarked that “that’s some good leg. Mmm, yes. Trump ouroboros.” Further inquiries on the impact of the scandal on foreign policy, and on the US relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin in particular, elicited copious lip-smacking and the occasional low moan.

At press time, the President had called a press conference to announce a new line of his famous Trump steaks.

Schenley Park Awaiting Approval for Recreational Use

by Spencer Early, Green Spaces Correspondent

In a public Citiparks meeting last week, Mayor Bill Peduto made the controversial proposition to allow certain parks for recreational use. Citing difficulties with enforcement and expressing doubt about the deleterious health effects of using parks for fun, Peduto put forth this contentious suggestion. The proposed pilot program, “Let’s Have Fun at a Park”, will gradually phase in parks for recreational use, starting with Schenley. While the practice of visiting one of the city’s parks to go for a run, walk the dog, or otherwise benefit one’s physical and mental health is commonly accepted, this highly contested move of legalizing the act of visiting a park for fun has created divisive lines in our community.

“Enjoying your recreational options should be a personal choice,” said pro-recreational park user Ben Blazer. Other voices supporting the recreational use of Schenley Park included police chief Scott Schubert, contending that “excessive enforcement and inspection of doctor’s orders to ensure visitors of Schenley Park are there solely for medical purposes is straining on the city budget. By opening Schenley Park for recreational use, we can re-channel our resources towards cutting down on violent crime, as well as potentially boosting the economy.”

However, others are not so thrilled with the proposal. Director of park safety Bea Keehrful warns “We don’t want people to think that going to a park to play can be a wholesome activity. Any form of recreation is inextricably linked with ill side effects. Also, visiting parks ‘just for fun’ can be a dangerous gateway into other risky activities such as standing up to stretch for every hour of sitting at a desk.” Such mounting concerns are reasons why Schenley Park is still awaiting approval for recreational use. Concerned citizen Bob Boring worried that “[my daughter’s] school will allow them to go past the safety of the fenced-in playground to a park for so-called ‘recreational use’ – imagine what horrors she might see. It still sends chills down my spine recalling The Incident of the summer of ‘05 when the two kids caught playing hopscotch at Mellon Park got carted off to jail. Recreational use of parks is illegal for a reason.”

In the meantime, Peduto recommends visiting Schenley Park for recreational purposes under the cover of darkness until the law is passed.

We Still Hate Millennials, Right?

by Mark Saporta, Generational Grand Canyon Correspondent

Millennials.

Next time you see a millennial, look at them. Really look at them. Stare at them with all of your psyche, and you will see what I see. You will see them as they truly are, and then you will understand.

They are beings of pure sin.

The first, most important thing to know about millennials is that they are Bad. They are not bad in a conventional sense, like a punch to the face or Nickelback. No, they are objectively bad. They are bad in a way that the word “bad” cannot even describe, because “bad” is a human word meant for use on a human scale. Millennials are cosmically bad. They are badness distilled. They are, in a very real sense, devils in human conceit.

Perhaps that is unfair. At least Lucifer was once an angel. Millennials lack even that erstwhile glimmer of decency. They were born of evil, they are evil, they shall return to evil. So it goes.

And don’t get me started on man buns. What genius thought those looked good? Sheesh, kids these days. Anyway:

You may be asking “Why are millennials bad?” “What proof have you of this quality?” And you would be well within your rights to ask such a thing. Alas, I cannot answer.

I cannot answer why millennials are so bad for the same reason one cannot answer why despair is so tragic, or hatred so dreadful. Despair and hatred are concepts; so too, in a way, are millennials. They do not simply bear evil within them, they are synonymous with evil.

And they’re always whining about their triggers and their safe spaces. It’s like, come on, you privileged fucks, grow the hell up! You’re not going to be able to shield your precious little eyes from reality forever!

You know, when I was a young man, we didn’t get pissy if our goddamn quinoa wasn’t cruelty-free! We didn’t bellyache all day about how society was oppressing us! We weren’t hellspawns in the guise of man, bringing ruin through our very being! No, god dammit, we were normal, decent people with normal, decent lives! These pampered, coddled harbingers of malevolence would do well to follow suit.

Fashion This Week: King Koopa’s DAPPER New Suit

by Ben Kaplan, Haberdashery Correspondent

Majestesty. Class. Prowess. Confidence. These are the words that come to mind when one sees Bowser, King of Koopas, new Dapper suite. Behold it in all its glory!

As you can see, Bowser has decided to go from boss, to BOSS. Matched against the backdrop of purple skies on his gleaming white ship, Bowser’s suit nicely accentuates his more “sharp” ivory features, further accented by new chrome spiked arm-bands.

Despite the raw audacity of his new look, one critic at Fansided.com bemoaned that Bowser hasn’t gone far enough, and should seek to completely emulate what TV Tropes defines as full-blown “Pimp Duds.” Specifically, the critic complained about Bowser’s lack of a pinky pimp-ring and obligatory pimp-cane.

However, Bowser is far too regal and classy for that kind of attire. He is a father of one biological and seven adopted children, as well as a father to his men. Additionally, prostitution is antithetical to the Koopa Kingdom’s traditional monarchical values and emphasis on strength/the ability to defeat Mario as being the decider of status, and not just fancy clothing.

With such an undeniably dapper outfit, Princess Peach, Bowser’s bride to be, must be so thrilled with herself. In the top picture, notice her wide eyes of amazement and cupped hands in awe. And in the picture to the left, she is absolutely swooning! One of course must ask if rival suitor, Mario, could still possibly have a chance. This publication thinks not—not in those grubby jean overalls and garish red getup at least!

Overall, it’s a new look capturing his highness in a new light that illuminates Bowser’s trademark power yet shines with an opulent well-founded sense of decorum.

Elon Musk Announces Elon Musk

by Ben Kaplan, Silicologne Valley Correspondent

Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, founder of PayPal, and originator of the Hyperloop Concept, has announced his latest breakthrough: an Elon Musk cologne line.

“With the (very) rich scent of Elon Musk pervading one’s body, men—and women—can maximize working duration and efficiency by inundating the senses to dull their mind against non-working distractions” declared the billionaire inventor.

Elon attributes the power of his Musk to its scientifically engineered design and manufacturing process. Ingredients include lithium due to its mood improving neuroprotective properties (so one feels better about working a 16 hours overtime). Pheromones distilled from the towels handed out to the hardest working engineers at Tesla and SpaceX. Small quantities of rocket fuel (‘cause rockets are awesome)! And California cedar extract, because Elon thinks it smells nice during those rare moments he ventures outside his office, the testing facilities, or his mansion (which probably has an automatic car elevator in its garage, minimizing exposure to the temptation of nice weather/spending time outside).

But what really gives Elon Musk an edge over the competition is its state of the art manufacturing process. Every vial of Elon Musk is mixed drop by drop with automatic robotic pipettes capable of drip-dropping 387 drops of Elon Musk ingredients per minute. Once drip-dropped, the vial is tested by an electronic nose capable of detecting molecules at parts per quadrillion. Finally, each vial is shaken up by a robotic arm encased in glass (for the protection of the factory workers) capable of 19 pumps per second—“which is 8.7 times the maximum amount of pumps by an arm on an adolescent boy arm who just discovered porn” quipped Mr. Musk.

Lastly, one cannot fail to mention the elegant packaging of each vial: A mono-colored bottle with a bulge at the bottom that tapers off until 2/3rds up its length, building out again to the same width as the original bulge before quickly tapering into a minimally protruding spray nozzle, decorated only with a white “EM” logo.

Real IRL True Life Facts About Vegans

by The Voice of Reason

In a study conducted by readme, team researches attempted to determine precisely what it is about vegans that makes them so despicable. Is it their incessant protesting of the natural order of killing animals to survive or their protein-deficiency induced delirium? Listen up right quick: it was those vegan jagoffs who tried to tell us bacon caused cancer back in ‘15. The so-called “cancer researchers” were using unsound methods to arrive at their conclusion. Employing an outdated and fallacious method known as an epidemiological study, they came to the erroneous conclusion that some of the greatest foods are carcinogenic. While “epidemiological studies” are mocked by today’s advanced society, we must remember that the very “scientists” who did this investigation are of the tribe that believes that we should all subsist on grass and twigs.

First and foremost, the folks at readme determined that the main reason someone would be possessed to become vegan is by some sort of love, unicorns, and other such brainwashing, cloaked under their so-called “compassion for animals” and “environmentalism.” I mean really, who could possibly be accepting of someone who would dare to think of the consequences of their actions? A group that has the audacity to question the current system will be lampooned, and rightly so. Do you really expect us to get any protein from cucumbers? Do you presume we can get lions to eat tofu zebras? Any modern medical expert knows we evolved to eat the flesh and mammary secretions of factory farmed animals.

So I want y’all to use yer noggins! Next time some vegan tries spreading their propaganda about trying to “save the planet” and generally being a carrot-lovin’ hippie, remember this here fact right now: you need meat to get protein. And besides, if everyone went vegan, all the ranches would shut down. Fences and walls would be demolished and the cows would take over the world. Turkeys would crash through windshields all over the earth when they could be living safely on a farm, having the peace of mind that at the ripe old age of 5 months they’ll get an all-expenses paid trip to a nice tingly bath followed by a shiny spinning disk to give them one last satisfying tickle to the neck. If you vegans think you’re such good people, how would you like knowing you’re to blame when all the feral hogs start rooting up your local organic radishes? How would y’all so-called “conscientious consumers” like knowing about all the corn and soybeans you mercilessly slaughter? Plants have feelings too.

Slice of White Bread Chosen to Fill Open Supreme Court Seat

by Mark Saporta, Political Hellscape Correspondent

In yet another in a series of political stunners, Donald Trump has chosen to fill the open seat on the Supreme Court with a literal piece of white bread.

The seat, vacated nearly a year ago by the death of Justice Antonin “Far-Right Nutjob Before It Was Cool” Scalia, was intended to be filled by the eminently qualified Obama nominee Merrick Garland, but a combination of Republican intransigence and NO WAIT THAT WAS THE ONLY REASON caused his confirmation hearing to be delayed to the point of mootness.

Naturally, Trump’s nomination of an inanimate slice of uncooked toast has made waves among politicians and ordinary citizens alike, or at least among those who consider Alex Jones’ InfoWars rants to be anything less than God’s honest truth. The nomination was duly criticized by Senate Democrats and-

*deep sigh*

Okay, look.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a political satirist these days? And don’t give me any of that “are you kidding? there’s more to satirize than ever!” crap. Coming up with stories more insane than what’s actually going on right now is a legitimate challenge. The best I can do is resort to the shallow jab that Neil Gorsuch is boring. Hell, Gorsuch doesn’t even seem like that terrible of a choice, but what else am I going to write about? Sean Spicer? Steve Bannon? Trump complaining on Twitter about the travel ban ruling? They’re pretty much all already parodies of themselves.

Man, I remember the good old days, back when the Republican primary race was completely up in the air. We still had hope then. God, the most pressing issue we were facing was that Congress was incompetent, as though that was something that hasn’t been continuously true since 1774. Remember how I wrote that article about celebrating Government Shutdown Day? Heh, that was a pretty good one.

That must’ve been back in Fall 2015. I was so young then. We all were.

Anyway, Neil Gorsuch is boring, he’s pretty conservative, at least Trump didn’t nominate [insert reality TV star here] for the bench, etc., etc.. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna pour myself a drink, make myself a sandwich, lean back in my standard-issue CMU desk chair, and dull my political sorrows, if only briefly, with anime and My Brother, My Brother and Me.

At press time…man, whatever.

Day 7: They Still Do Not Realize I Am Not a Readme

by Kevin Thies, Secret…Aaaaagent Man

What is “readme”?

That’s the question I’ve been asking myself more and more lately. It only first occurred to me as I stood in front of the barren kiosk, the usual perch of the weekly readme. Where do they come from? Are they sustainably sourced from a room of students, the input being food and coffee, and the final product being these documents scattered around campus?

I’ve been asked many a time to write for readme, since they’re constantly looking for funny writers, non-funny writers, photomanipulation artists, and freshmen, and I finally decided to jump in and see just where readme gets its content. Writing for readme would allow me to go undercover and see just where it comes from.

However, this proved more difficult than I had originally anticipated. First of all, I had to find something to write. Afterwards, I would have to use the pretense of writing for readme to get into one of the meetings. I hesitantly decided the 4:30 meeting on the 27th would do for my infiltration. After those two steps, I’d be in the home stretch.

Now, the question turned to finding an appropriate subject to write about. After all, I would need to write for readme to successfully infiltrate their system. However, I figured the writing could come later. It was then that I realized that there was another, more subtle, question to address. How? How does one write for readme?

Having gotten used to keeping an eye out for the latest readme before entering Schatz, I began flipping through the pages while pretending to not be alone so as to not draw too much attention to myself. I knew readme was typically filled with funny content and witty commentary. However, I myself wasn’t graced with good writing or a particularly strong sense of literary humor, so I felt that was out of the question. I realized then that what readme was looking for wasn’t dying memes or political commentary, but another meta article. People love meta, even if it isn’t particularly funny. The stage was set. All I needed to do was wait for the meeting and set the plan in action.

Fast forward a few days. I successfully got into the readme offices. The staff there thought I’d be writing an article, and didn’t suspect a thing as I jotted down notes, keeping track of the small details and topics, especially when they started making waffles. These had to be what they sustained themselves with, the input to the system that creates readme. I asked Janine, a “fellow compatriot,” if the waffles, and by extension readme, were sustainably sourced. Her answer, and the very thing my search had been for all along, was no. There it was. readme is not sustainably sourced, and was fueled by waffles, not coffee. My quest being over, I inconspicuously hung around for another hour before being one of the last ones out.

Nobody suspects a thing.

 

Trump Signs Executive Order Editing Statue of Liberty Plaque to “LOL NOPE”

by Mark Saporta, Political Hellscape Correspondent

The world was rocked this week when, in one of his first moves as President, Donald “Already At Mid-Second-Term Levels of Disapproval” Trump signed an executive order shutting down America’s refugee program and closing its borders to people from several Muslim-majority countries. Despite throngs of people across the political spectrum coming out in opposition to this piece of counterproductive political showmanship, readme can now confirm that Trump is doubling down by formally changing the plaque on the Statue of Liberty from Emma Lazarus’ sonnet The New Colossus to, simply, LOL NOPE.

“Reliable” sources within the Trump Administration have also indicated that the new text will not only be in 400-point font but will also be in bolded Impact, so as to “make certain the message gets across that, yeah, we super all the way don’t want you here.” According to Trump’s nascent Office of Management and Budget, the project is expected to cost $2 million, which when converted to Not Crazy Person Money translates to a cool $15 mil, minimum.

Naturally, politicians of all stripes and people across the nation have been incensed by Trump’s brazen willingness to essentially deface a national landmark with particularly unclassy xenophobia. Well, politicians of some stripes and roughly half of people across the nation, at least. The rest are A-OK with it. Why wouldn’t they be? After all, Breitbart just put out an article alleging that the immortal words “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to break free” are fake news produced by the liberal media to defame our glorious leader. Obviously.

Among the people across this nation who actually are incensed, though, a heroic few are getting off their asses and doing something about it, for instance by writing invective thinly disguised as satire. Truly, these brave men and women are doing yeomen’s work out there in the political wilderness, taming the beasts of tyranny with elegant strokes of their blades. Well, pens. Keyboards, if we’re really being honest.

(This is me I’m talking about here, by the way. Can you tell? Anyway, yeah, it’s me. Mark Saporta. The writer of this article. I’m basically the best. You’re welcome.)

At press time, Trump had quietly issued four more far-reaching executive orders while the media desperately attempted to process the previous four. Welcome, my friends, to the Darkest Timeline.