by Daniel Bork, who Wants to Be the Very Best
The NYPD’s 19th Precinct reported Wednesday that President-Elect Donald Trump was discovered unconscious following a lengthy session of Nintendo’s hit video game Pokemon Moon. The President-Elect, clad only in gold socks and a full-body Umbreon kigurumi, was discovered in The Penrose bar in the Upper East Side at approximately 3:00 AM Wednesday morning, with his Yveltal-branded special edition Nintendo 3DS console firmly affixed to his left cheek by a combination of spittle and old spray tan.
“I’m a Pokemon Champion,” claimed the disheveled President-Elect from the 67th Avenue police station Thursday. “I did it. I repealed the legacy of Brock Obamasnow.” When asked whether his newfound fandom would impact the incoming administration’s Japan policy, Mr. Trump responded that “we’re going to build a big, beautiful wall…a huge wall on the border with Hoenn, and make Ludicolo pay for it.” “I picked the fire starter, obviously,” added the at-times almost delirious-seeming President-Elect, “because owls, you know, I…I don’t know what, owls are so overdone. And I don’t…what is the water thing supposed to be, is that some kind of otter? I don’t know. Gen 1 was better. But that Yungoos is a really…is a fine, strapping fellow. I like the cut of his jib. We need…we really have to make America safe again for good, hardworking Normal-types like that one.” Though Mr. Trump could not be roused for further comment, at press time, his Level 63 Stoutland “indsPENCEabl” had been named White House Press Secretary.
Though many Democratic politicians excoriated Mr. Trump’s behavior, several top surrogates have come to his defense over the past two days. Former campaign manager Kellyanne Conway released a statement on Twitter on behalf of the transition team, stating in part that “President-Elect Trump is a Pokemon Master who is the best Pokemon player ever to be elected to the Presidency. His exceptional leadership ability is demonstrated by his completion of all manner of in-game challenges, including the infamous blind Nuzlocke, in which the failed President Obama would wipe almost immediately. Surviving this assassination attempt by the vicious Clinton campaign underscores his unprecedented fitness for the Presidency.” President Obama, in a counterstatement, blasted Trump’s “peddling of baseless claims and conspiracy theories” as “entirely unpresidential,” and affirmed that he “would be happy to wipe the floor with his poorly-constructed team of mediocre UU wannabes at the earliest possible opportunity.”