by Mark Saporta, Zeitgeist Correspondent
According to one of our many hip, trendy sources, plans for a new restaurant chain themed after the 2010s are in the works. The restaurants, working name #OnFleek, will reportedly be opening in the hottest, most newly-gentrified areas of several major cities in just over three years. While much of the menu, decor, and atmosphere is still in the planning stages, readme can confirm several things that every #OnFleek will share:
- All beverages and much of the food will be served out of Mason jars.
- All menu items will contain at least one of the following: quinoa, sriracha, guacamole, or something sustainably raised at a local co-op.
- Food will come with Instagram filters pre-attached.
- Each table will have seventeen outlets. Likewise, iPhone and Android chargers will be provided at every seat.
- A speaker at each table will periodically announce how great all your friends’ lives are, whether you want it to or not.
- Instead of “smoking” and “non-smoking” sections, there will be “liberal” and “conservative” sections. The two will be separated by a thick, soundproof wall.
- The menu board will be connected to the internet for no adequately explained reason. It will be hacked or taken down by a DDoS attack at least once a week.
- If you purchase a menu item costing $50 or above, you are not required to pay tax on your meal.
- Waiters will be required to have at least two of: a man-bun, a substantial beard, a flannel shirt, an unjustified sense of smug superiority.
- Waitresses will be required to have at least two of: technicolor hair, at least 20% of total hair area buzzed, a knit beanie, an unjustified sense of self-righteousness.
- Every TV in the restaurant will be playing news stories about Donald Goddamn Trump 24 hours a day.
- All patrons will be filled with constant ennui, stemming from the fact that human experience is now so far removed from what evolution could possibly prepared us for that we are all essentially the mammalian equivalent of fish on the planet Mercury.
- A basket of bread will be served with every meal.
While #OnFleek may not necessarily suit everyone’s palate, we here at readme are excited to dive headfirst into the remorseless, dystopian present that all of us must now contend with. See you there!
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