Trump Allegedly Hiding Schröedinger’s Cat in Tax Returns

by Kwanpo Cheng, Theoretical Reporter

2016-09-28-1

As the media continues to unearth scandal after scandal surrounding the presidential nominees, the scientific world was wracked with a shocking revelation last Wednesday. Republican candidate Donald Trump has allegedly released his tax returns to the public, stating even though the forms are released, the numbers cannot be examined as they contain details about a Schröedinger’s Cat.

“I’m telling you, I have a tremendous science experiment going on,” Trump said at the press conference. “This Scrodangler [sic] cat is both alive and dead. I cannot look at my tax returns because then I’ll ruin the experiment. You cannot look at the returns. No one can look at the tax returns. In fact, I can’t even tell you about it. This is real science, end of story.”

This reveal has sparked numerous debates in the scientific community. Physicists are evenly split on agreeing whether this was a valid experiment or not. Others argue more heavily about whether Trump has actually released his tax returns, a new phenomenon called Schröedinger’s Taxes in which the returns are both released and unreleased. This discovery may be grounds for a Nobel Peace Prize.

When asked about the possibility of receiving the Nobel Prize, Trump responded, “People are going to tell you I am incompetent or I am crazy. But really I am crazy – about science. Let me tell you, I love science. I have always loved it as a kid. That’s because I am smart. I’ve got people writing my paper for me. It’s going to be great. I’m going to charge people to read it. That’s going to create jobs and bring them back to America.”

“We believe Mr. Trump is ready to lead the country,” said Marcia McNutt, the president of the National Academy of Sciences. “We had initially thought Trump to be unintelligent, biased, and unscientific, but he has proved himself by standing strong.” The Academy is expected to hand several large projects to Mr. Trump including global warming and solar energy.

The IRS is struggling in the aftermath to obtain Trump’s tax returns as opposition from the scientific community increases. Other political leaders are supporting Trump’s decision to withhold his returns while simultaneously releasing similar statements about other Schröedinger’s Tax Animals, such as Dogs, Hamsters, Goldfishes, and Parakeets. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was especially proud of his Schröedinger’s Potato.

Celebrity scientist Neil DeGrasse Tyson tweeted, “If Trump’s theory of observation applies to taxes, then it applies to my Internet cat. We cannot learn the name of my cat until I find out it is ,” before running out of characters.

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