This Article is About Making Sandwiches, Not the 2016 Presidential Election

by Mark Saporta, Meatbread Enthusiast

2016-11-04-2

Your political correspondent has decided that we as a nation have heard more than enough about the forthcoming presidential election, and has therefore opted to write an article about something else.

Instead of adding to the crush of stories, thinkpieces, and polling analyses, some of them written by him, about this horrendous failure of democracy, he is writing about a subject of personal interest: how to make a good sandwich.

The first thing to consider when making a sandwich is the bread. Many people content themselves with bagged, pre-sliced white bread, never knowing the true joy that comes from bread that doesn’t suck. If you can, go to a bakery, or at least the bakery counter at your local supermarket, and get a loaf of something that appeals to you.

You may have noticed that the last two sentences were mostly about making sandwiches, and not very much about the 2016 presidential election between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. This will continue to be the case for the remainder of the article.

Once you’ve chosen your bread (your correspondent recommends sourdough), the next step is to figure out what meat to put on it. Obviously, this owes a lot to personal discretion, but the current FiveThirtyEight Sandwich Forecast shows that there is over an 80% chance that using roast beef is a good idea and only about a 20% chance that ham would work better. It should be noted, however, that the trend line in most national polls has been slightly favorable towards ham since the third debate, and the fact that roast beef is reportedly once more under investigation by the FBI probably won’t help its poll numbers.

Of course, there are also vegetarian options if you’re opposed to eating meat, but all of them are currently languishing at five percent or less in the polls. Interestingly, there is a non-negligible chance that portobello mushrooms win the state of Utah, which would be the first time a vegetarian option has won a state since George Wallace in 1968.

Now that you’ve chosen your bread and meat, there are two further things to consider: toppings and spread. Toppings run statewide every six years; here in Pennsylvania, provolone cheese is running a couple points ahead of the Republican incumbent, Swiss. In contrast, spread runs district-wide every two years. In Pennsylvania’s 14th Congressional District, which contains Pittsburgh, pesto is once again running unopposed.

And there you have it: bread, meat, toppings, and spread. The makings of a great nation. Erm, sandwich.

Your political correspondent hopes you enjoyed this break from the unending torrent of presidential election commentary. Even as an avid watcher of politics, he understands that most people find it depressing, even nauseating, especially when it’s the only thing anyone is talking about. If you do feel that way, here is his advice: the next time you get sick of hearing about this election, just go to the polls and make yourself a nice sandwich instead.

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