by Daaaaaaaaaaaniel Bork
According to a late-breaking series of reports following the results of Tuesday’s presidential election, aaaaaaaaaaa. Commenting on the unexpectedly large electoral college margin of victory for the Republican candidate despite receiving fewer popular votes, Democratic campaign chair John Podesta observed “aaaaaaaaaaa.” As the election’s result became clear early Wednesday morning, the Democratic candidate was too consumed by aaaaaaaaaaa to concede the race. Instead, Podesta addressed her supporters, delivering a sober assessment of the candidate’s precarious path to victory by confirming that, indeed, aaaaaaaaaaa. Shortly afterwards, the states of Aaaaaaaaaaa and Pennsylvania were called for the Republican, sending him to the White House and Democratic voters into paroxysms of aaaaaaaaaaa.
On the economic outlook following the election, Paul Krugman of the New York Times reported that the odds of a global aaaaaaaaaaa have spiked in the last 24 hours. On the question of whether the odds of aaaaaaaaaaa were likely to increase or decrease should campaign finance chair and ‘Suicide Squad’ executive producer Steven Mnuchin be appointed Treasury Secretary, Krugman equivocated. “Aaaaaaaaaaa. However, aaaaaaaaaaa,” assessed Krugman, clearly weighing the inexperience of Mnuchin against the possibility of a yet less qualified appointee. “*incoherent sobbing*” added Krugman, upon realizing that the likely front-runner for EPA administrator, Myron Ebell, was an aaaaaaaaaaa denialist who, if appointed, would likely roll back decades of aaaaaaaaaaa regulations.
The victory of the Republican came as a surprise to polling aggregators, many of whom confidently predicted a Democratic win and were stunned Wednesday morning when, instead, aaaaaaaaaaa. One exception to this was the FiveThirtyEight model, which had controversially diverged from the conventional wisdom by predicting a considerable chance of aaaaaaaaaaa throughout the cycle. “Aaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaa,” remarked its vindicated founder Nate Silver on his site’s return to pre-eminence. At press time, sources reported that aaaaaaaaaaa had again retweeted Silver’s predicted men-only electoral map, along with the caption, “#Aaaaaaaaaaa.”