Optimal Responses to Being Given Three Wishes (by Decreasing Order of Wish Freedom)

by Mark Saporta, Unabashed Overanalyzer

Magic Aladdin's Genie lamp on black with smoke

Preface: This list does not take into account “ironic twists”. If you feel you may be subjected to those, your first wish should always be something that explicitly prevents your wish being misconstrued. Also note that there are certain secondary wishes necessary to make the primary idea actually work effectively which are going unspoken. Ideally, with your first and/or second wishes you’d have set things up so that all these secondary wishes are coming true automatically. Above all else, remember to proceed with caution.

TOP TIER:

These, if utilized correctly, basically make you God. We’re not talking a specific-powers god like Zeus or Odin or whatever here, we’re talking 4 SRS God. This encompasses omnipotence and things that are effectively omnipotence.

Omnipotence and omniscience

Ability to create in granular detail and inhabit a pocket universe of any conceivable parameters

Ability to make anything you think of come true and an infinitely strong imagination

MIDDLE TIER:

These won’t make you omnipotent necessarily, but they will get you anything you would ever want and then some, with minimal fuss.

Infinite wishes (assuming you are unable to wish for the top-tier wishes above)

A non-infinity but extremely high number of wishes (let’s say a couple googolplex)

Ability to apparate any person, place, or thing

Ability to turn anything into anything else (including oneself)

Strong, minimal-input mind-control (by which I mean: no limit on number of people controlled, you don’t have to be near the controlees, you’re not directly controlling people’s bodies, you just think something and they do it, etc.)

LOW TIER:

These aren’t nearly as power-inducing as the above, but they’ll still make your life awesome.

Individual-level mind control

Easy and ripple-free time travel

Immortality and indestructibility without aging and with a simple mechanism of opting out

Any number of superpowers, magical abilities, etc. (fill in your preferred abilities at your leisure)

Ability to inhabit the universe of any fictional work (excluding ones written expressly for this purpose; otherwise, that basically falls under anything you think of coming true)

Ability to instantly have any quantity of money without engendering suspicion

As comprehensive as I’ve tried to make this list, there are obviously many thousands of other wishes that would make your life pretty much amazing. In fact, I’ve just thought of three more since writing this list. Be creative!

In parting, I’d just like to remind you of one thing: If you are ever given access to wishes, DON’T BE A TIMMY TURNER. That is all.

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