Freshman Sent into Despair over Looming Research Paper

sad male student lonely looking out the windowby Cam Wong, Hardest Class OMG Correspondent

A student was found near-comatose and spouting gibberish on the steps of Porter Hall earlier this week. When revived and questioned by student health services, the student’s only response was “sources… more sources…” followed by broken sobbing and incoherent screaming. This continued for several minutes, as the student became more and more agitated until caretakers were able to provide citations to several contemporary research articles on the effect of social media on the Dakota Access Pipeline.

Witnesses claim that the victim seemed to enter a state of blind panic upon seeing a political rally sign while entering the Gates-Hillman Center, causing them to begin hyperventilating before rushing out into the night and being found outside by campus police. The student, who has elected to remain anonymous, has been confined to their dorm room with minimal access to any social media that might trigger another attack.

Investigators say this is only the most recent of many such incidents relating to a as-of-yet unknown cause, currently labeled as “76-101”. Incidents range from outbursts in dorm rooms to sudden unexplained nausea attacks while in class to, in dire cases, collapses between classes. The precise cause can vary from incident to incident. One student reported a sudden feeling of dread (much like a heart attack) when overhearing a bystander mention the word “eleven” while discussing a math problem.

Campus reports show that these attacks are not just limited to freshmen, but can in rare cases cause significant distress in sophomores as well. First-responders and student health officials urge campus residents to be aware of the dangers, and to report any case of 76-101 they may encounter.

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