J. Narra, Screechfeed Staff Writer
As the temperature drops, it’s time to find a good way to stay warm. While blankets and hot chocolate are all well and good, truly the best way to keep warm is a romantic partner to cuddle under the covers. Now if you already have a partner or kept someone nearby who was suitable for the job for this exact purpose, congratulations! You are well prepared to survive these upcoming harsh winter months. For those of us who have yet to prepare, I have some quick and handy tips to acquire and keep a handy source of heat.
- Pick a Partner: While this might seem like the easiest task, do not be deceived. Many things need to align before you know that you’ve found a good partner. Finding someone with compatible astrological signs, beer preference, and sailing expertise is hard but not impossible. Don’t settle for someone who’s nice or easy to talk to, none of that shit matters in the long run and you want this relationship to last at least several months. Get your head in the game, this is your relationship and life on the line. Do you want to freeze? So, if the stars don’t align send them to the back of the line!
- Create Distance: Now that you’ve found the perfect partner, time to turn on the seduction. As the saying goes, “distance makes the heart grow fonder,” use this to your advantage and completely avoid any contact with your future space heater. Wait for them to come to you, and that’s when you implement the next step.
- Be Perfect: Now that you’ve garnered their interest, time to strike up conversation. Now to ensure that your partner accepts your advances you must primp yourself. There are two main ways to do this. First, center the conversation around yourself. You want to make the best impression and the only way to accomplish this is to only talk about yourself. Keep in mind, to really enrapture your future partner, you must have no flaws. Second, belittle everything about your conversation partner. It makes sense that to make yourself look better, make partner look and feel worse. With enough belittling, they will realize that you are perfect…perfect for them!
- Communication is Key: Communication is the key that will unlock the chains that bind you to your partner, so never communicate. It’ll be hard to not talk while you cuddle and latch onto them for warmth, but try your best. If you do feel the need to break the silence, tell lies. By lying, you increase the mystery surrounding you and everyone loves a good mystery. Your partner will become so invested in figuring you out that you’ll have a steady relationship for at least several months.
Winter is coming, people, and you need to be prepared. It’s projected to be one of the worst in Pittsburgh history, which isn’t saying much. Hopefully, these tips will help you make it to next spring with someone to last you several years. Investing in relationships that only last one winter is inefficient and I want you to spend your time wisely. Good luck!