New Anime Sparks Controversy with Blatant Sexism

by Ben Kaplan, Western Moral Guardian

anime

A new anime entitled “Another New Insulting Manga Episodic,” or ANIME, as its fans call it, has been publicly criticized for its overt sexism and excessive use of fanservice. Many fans of the genre assert that real anime needs not resort to such cheap tactics, while ANIME supporters argue that it’s an artistic choice like any other.

The supposed flaws in ANIME largely center around its hypersexualization of women and pandering to the male gaze. First of all, there’s this obsession with accidentally molesting women. In the opening episode, a happy-go-lucky lad goes about his business when all of a sudden an unexpected happenstance causes him to trip into a female character with massive [SPOILERS]. And in another episode, the same exact thing happens. And in another. And another. And another—except in this last case he was wearing magnetized gloves that caused him to fly towards the female character’s [SPOILERS], since the female was wearing advanced mechanized battle armor (customized for her unique [SPOILERS]) that was magnetized by the villain’s electric chi attack. Crazy coincidence, huh?

And then there’s the [SPOILERS] shots. Let’s not even get into the [SPOILERS] shots.

…And the constant sexualization of preteens.

…Aaaaand the, just, wow the jiggling. [SPOILERS] H. Christ, that is some jiggling what’s going on.

While some may argue that tropes present in some pretty much every anime do not necessarily characterize Japan itself, a nation whose traditional cultural values remain strong to this day, that shit would not fly in America! We are a land of moral people! We don’t stand for this sicko bull-crap! No, all we need here in the ol’ U-S-of-A is some good old-fashioned violence! Amen!

 

Pittsburgh to Fill Holes in All of Our Hearts. And Streets. Mostly Streets Actually

by Cam Wong, readme Commissar for Municipal Affairs

Pittsburgh residents this past week gathered to vote on a recurring issue—that of the city’s rapidly deteriorating bridge infrastructure.

Pittsburgh, the once-renowned “city of bridges,” has decided that the city’s time and money would be better spent on replacing its human workforce with robots.

The controversial “Road Undertaking Thing” (RUT) initiative was proposed to both remove the need to fix bridges as they get worn out by years of overuse and help address the waste disposal issues that plague every city. This plan would involve filling the various valleys in the city with landfill, then covering it with concrete to make the city mostly level.

Of course, this would be a massive undertaking. Affected residents would need to be moved uphill, where they would be temporarily housed during the reconstruction process. Despite this, responses have been generally positive.

“I think it’s great,” says Nick Rauen, a student from outside Philadelphia who would not be affected. “It’s a great way for the city to save money on fixing the bridges, while keeping the bridges around for tourists to look at!”

Despite seemingly widespread support, however, concerns abound about the city’s restructuring and iconic look. “What will we be if we don’t have our bridges anymore?” asks James Dullman, a longtime resident. “We’ll just be another boring, bridge-less city like Chicago or Boston!” Residents of the aforementioned bridge-less cities were unavailable for comment.

Proponents of the plan argue that such distinctions are ultimately meaningless and will ultimately only hold the city back. “To miss this opportunity would be paramount to burning a bridge to the future” says Mark Saporta, a satire writer from the Oakland area.

Sonnet I (or “Psychology Class”)

by Mark Saporta, Poet Even-More-Laureate

 

Although the class I take was of my choice

My level of engagement remains low

So flowing from my pen the words rejoice

In form and meter we were forced to know

 

You may ask why to poetry I turned

Instead of doodles, homework or my phone

You probably would not be shocked to learn

That e’en to me the answer is unknown

 

People may think my sonnet is a bore

Its meter forced, its word choice uninspir’d

But even so I’ll write forevermore

So long as killing time’s a thing desir’d

 

And yea, despite obvious lack of skill

Asinine poems shall my psych class fill

Plans for 2010s-Themed Restaurant Unveiled

by Mark Saporta, Zeitgeist Correspondent

2

According to one of our many hip, trendy sources, plans for a new restaurant chain themed after the 2010s are in the works. The restaurants, working name #OnFleek, will reportedly be opening in the hottest, most newly-gentrified areas of several major cities in just over three years. While much of the menu, decor, and atmosphere is still in the planning stages, readme can confirm several things that every #OnFleek will share:

  • All beverages and much of the food will be served out of Mason jars.
  • All menu items will contain at least one of the following: quinoa, sriracha, guacamole, or something sustainably raised at a local co-op.
  • Food will come with Instagram filters pre-attached.
  • Each table will have seventeen outlets. Likewise, iPhone and Android chargers will be provided at every seat.
  • A speaker at each table will periodically announce how great all your friends’ lives are, whether you want it to or not.
  • Instead of “smoking” and “non-smoking” sections, there will be “liberal” and “conservative” sections. The two will be separated by a thick, soundproof wall.
  • The menu board will be connected to the internet for no adequately explained reason. It will be hacked or taken down by a DDoS attack at least once a week.
  • If you purchase a menu item costing $50 or above, you are not required to pay tax on your meal.
  • Waiters will be required to have at least two of: a man-bun, a substantial beard, a flannel shirt, an unjustified sense of smug superiority.
  • Waitresses will be required to have at least two of: technicolor hair, at least 20% of total hair area buzzed, a knit beanie, an unjustified sense of self-righteousness.
  • Every TV in the restaurant will be playing news stories about Donald Goddamn Trump 24 hours a day.
  • All patrons will be filled with constant ennui, stemming from the fact that human experience is now so far removed from what evolution could possibly prepared us for that we are all essentially the mammalian equivalent of fish on the planet Mercury.
  • A basket of bread will be served with every meal.

While #OnFleek may not necessarily suit everyone’s palate, we here at readme are excited to dive headfirst into the remorseless, dystopian present that all of us must now contend with. See you there!

#yum #blessed #munchies #lol420 #blazeit #amirite #blueandblack #obvi #oppagangnamstyle #op #op #op #teamvalor #ritoplz #meirl #myanacondadont #mfw #rarestpepe #icebucketchallenge #waifu #letitgo #watchmewhip #watchmenaenae #justinternetthings #yolo #ohgodimsolonely #help

Words

by Céline Delaunay, Moderate Annoyance Correspondent

1

Has this ever happened to you? You’re a writer for a satirical newspaper who’s been called upon to write this week because like no other people have written, and your roommate, who also happens to be a writer for said satirical newspaper, is looking over your shoulder to see what you have so far? Don’t you just hate it when this very relatable situation happens?

Well, you’re in luck. We’ve come up with an effective way to deal with this event. Just write words! Language first evolved around 350,000–150,000 years ago. It is hard to pinpoint exactly when due to lack of direct evidence from this time, but somewhere around then, people started using words. They still do now! Words are used every day by people all over the world. You will find them on billboards, on pamphlets, in books, in stores and even in your own home if you know where to look. Words truly are omnipresent.

“How will words help me write an article?” you may ask. Well, our team here at readme has been sifting through articles and we have found that all good articles have one very interesting thing in common: they all make use of words. It is, therefore, our strong recommendation that you do as well.

“How do I use words?” you might be wondering. Our team has also anticipated this question. We have observed many people of all walks of life making use of words. We have separated their approaches into two categories for your convenience. The first approach is to use a thin cloth-like substance, usually white or very light of color, coupled with a writing utensil—generally a pen or mechanical pencil, but in some rare instances, we have found humans using non-mechanical pencils as well. With this writing utensil, you are then to form symbols on your cloth-like substance. Though we are not yet sure what these symbols represent, we have found that when put together, they are somehow able to make words.

We assure you that we have our best analysts working on finding the source of these mysterious symbols and will report when any new intel is gained. For now, we hope that this information will be sufficient in providing you with the tools to write good articles should you find yourself in this stressful scenario.

Nanites Found in Dish Soap: Know Your Enemy

by The Voice of Reason

good-idea-wear-rubber-gloves-washing-dishes_bb9769967f13ece5

Everyone knows the Palmolive dish soap slogan, “Tough on grease, soft on hands.” But you sheeple probably never asked yourselves how Palmolive could develop a cleaning agent that automatically selects its toughness based on what type of surface with which it contacts. Readme Laboratories, LLC has analyzed dozens of samples of Palmolive dish soap and has found shocking news: there are swarms of nanoscopic robots, called nanites, planted by the government in the soap that can detect whether they are touching human hands.

Now, most people totally dismiss the notion of nanites planted by the government to accomplish their nefarious purposes. Even someone as reasonable as I, the Voice of Reason, have been skeptical about the existence of nanites. I’m not talking about the kind of nanites found in chemtrails—those are real. I’m talking about the nanites alleged by some to be in consumer products such as Dove shampoo and Pepsi. But then I found the Real Truth™. Yes, I had an epiphany, and, quite frankly, this truth was very difficult for me to accept, but unfortunately there is no other explanation for how Palmolive is tough on grease but soft on hands.

These nanites are covered in bioreceptors, known as Hod Or Anthropod Xylometrical Endpoint Sensors (HOAXES. Such an unfortunate acronym, but all of readme can assure you that HOAXES are real. We saw them with our own eyes.) engineered at the CDC and NIH with funding provided by the Bilderberg group. The NHTs can sense whether or not they are on a human hand. Now, this may sound harmless, and, for the time being, it is. But think about what could happen. What if the government instead programmed the Palmolive nanites to read your fingerprints and send them to the suspect terrorist database? This could indeed be part of the New World Order, in which a One World Government controls who can fly on a plane, who can cross international borders, and, by simply reprogramming the Palmolive nanites, can prevent the undesirables from rising to power.

I do not intend to scare you, dear reader. I only want to protect you. I want to help you protect yourself and protect your family. That’s why I developed my patented technology, NanoGloves, to come to your rescue. Before touching any suspect dish liquid, simply don these spiffy hand-coverings and you’ll be protected. Coated with a layer of Hod Or Anthropod Xylometrical Endpoint Resisting Sleeves (HOAXERS. Again, a rather unfortunate acronym, but I swear they work. Just ask one of our over 10,000 satisfied customers*), these gloves literally stop the nanites in their tracks. Order yours today for only $39.99 by calling 1-800-867-5309. But wait! There’s more! Order within the next four business days and receive [redacted].

*we were unable to sell any NanoGloves, thus there are no customers

New Alternate History Novel Debuts In Which Donald Trump Wins 2016 Election

by Mark Saporta, Counterfactual Correspondent

2016-11-11-1

To widespread popular acclaim, beloved alternate history author I. T. T. Line released his third and most detailed work to date earlier this week. Titled Make America Great Again, the novel delves into a thorough examination of an alternate 2016 election in which businessman Donald J. Trump defeats Hillary Clinton and becomes the 45th President of the United States.

The real 2016 election was, of course, a subdued affair. After attaining a massive early financial lead, Jeb Bush steamrolled his primary opponents and was a lock for the Republican nomination by February. For her part, Hillary Clinton ran nearly unopposed for the Democratic nomination, easily winning every state. The general election was then relatively genteel and policy-focused, in contrast to the vicious elections of the last twenty years, and Clinton/Booker defeated Bush/Walker by a comfortable margin of four points.

In Make America Great Again, Line asks readers to consider a completely different and in some ways diametrically opposed reality. In his book, the Republican primary is thrown into chaos as Trump bombastically joins the fray in the summer of 2015. Starting from his announcement speech, he publicly shows no regard for consistent and feasible policy positions, the well-being of anyone who isn’t a white male, or even basic human decency itself. Nonetheless, he rises and rises in the polls, running roughshod over a slate of candidates from across the Republican spectrum and a party apparatus that can’t seem to muster a defense. In the meantime, Clinton finds herself in an unexpectedly difficult race against an unexpected opponent: 73-year-old democratic socialist Bernie Sanders.

The action only continues once both Clinton and Trump are officially nominated, with the former facing down a persistent scandal concerning proper handling of classified material and the latter lurching from massive gaffe to massive gaffe (without spoiling too much, it is worth mentioning that the words “grab them by the pussy” feature near the end of the book). Despite three clear debate victories, a far superior campaign, and the wholehearted support of the increasingly popular sitting president, Clinton’s early lead tightens to three points by November.

Finally, in the climax of the novel, Trump defies the expectations of pollsters, politicians, and the media alike by pulling off a small but solid Electoral College lead and nearly tying the popular vote. The book ends with his victory speech early on November 9th, deliberately leaving the reader uncertain about what’s next for this alternate America.

Naturally, this timeline is incredibly implausible; Line admits as much in the preface. Nevertheless, Make America Great Again is an excellent read for anyone looking for in-depth alternate history, a view into the dark depths of the American psyche, or even just a good political thriller.

Mark’s Review: 4.5/5 Highly Recommended

Report: aaaaaaaaaaa

by Daaaaaaaaaaaniel Bork

According to a late-breaking series of reports following the results of Tuesday’s presidential election, aaaaaaaaaaa. Commenting on the unexpectedly large electoral college margin of victory for the Republican candidate despite receiving fewer popular votes, Democratic campaign chair John Podesta observed “aaaaaaaaaaa.” As the election’s result became clear early Wednesday morning, the Democratic candidate was too consumed by aaaaaaaaaaa to concede the race. Instead, Podesta addressed her supporters, delivering a sober assessment of the candidate’s precarious path to victory by confirming that, indeed, aaaaaaaaaaa. Shortly afterwards, the states of Aaaaaaaaaaa and Pennsylvania were called for the Republican, sending him to the White House and Democratic voters into paroxysms of aaaaaaaaaaa.

On the economic outlook following the election, Paul Krugman of the New York Times reported that the odds of a global aaaaaaaaaaa have spiked in the last 24 hours. On the question of whether the odds of aaaaaaaaaaa were likely to increase or decrease should campaign finance chair and ‘Suicide Squad’ executive producer Steven Mnuchin be appointed Treasury Secretary, Krugman equivocated. “Aaaaaaaaaaa. However, aaaaaaaaaaa,” assessed Krugman, clearly weighing the inexperience of Mnuchin against the possibility of a yet less qualified appointee. “*incoherent sobbing*” added Krugman, upon realizing that the likely front-runner for EPA administrator, Myron Ebell, was an aaaaaaaaaaa denialist who, if appointed, would likely roll back decades of aaaaaaaaaaa regulations.

The victory of the Republican came as a surprise to polling aggregators, many of whom confidently predicted a Democratic win and were stunned Wednesday morning when, instead, aaaaaaaaaaa. One exception to this was the FiveThirtyEight model, which had controversially diverged from the conventional wisdom by predicting a considerable chance of aaaaaaaaaaa throughout the cycle. “Aaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaa,” remarked its vindicated founder Nate Silver on his site’s return to pre-eminence. At press time, sources reported that aaaaaaaaaaa had again retweeted Silver’s predicted men-only electoral map, along with the caption, “#Aaaaaaaaaaa.”

Freshman Sent into Despair over Looming Research Paper

sad male student lonely looking out the windowby Cam Wong, Hardest Class OMG Correspondent

A student was found near-comatose and spouting gibberish on the steps of Porter Hall earlier this week. When revived and questioned by student health services, the student’s only response was “sources… more sources…” followed by broken sobbing and incoherent screaming. This continued for several minutes, as the student became more and more agitated until caretakers were able to provide citations to several contemporary research articles on the effect of social media on the Dakota Access Pipeline.

Witnesses claim that the victim seemed to enter a state of blind panic upon seeing a political rally sign while entering the Gates-Hillman Center, causing them to begin hyperventilating before rushing out into the night and being found outside by campus police. The student, who has elected to remain anonymous, has been confined to their dorm room with minimal access to any social media that might trigger another attack.

Investigators say this is only the most recent of many such incidents relating to a as-of-yet unknown cause, currently labeled as “76-101”. Incidents range from outbursts in dorm rooms to sudden unexplained nausea attacks while in class to, in dire cases, collapses between classes. The precise cause can vary from incident to incident. One student reported a sudden feeling of dread (much like a heart attack) when overhearing a bystander mention the word “eleven” while discussing a math problem.

Campus reports show that these attacks are not just limited to freshmen, but can in rare cases cause significant distress in sophomores as well. First-responders and student health officials urge campus residents to be aware of the dangers, and to report any case of 76-101 they may encounter.