Hillary Clinton to Take Four Week Vacation

by Mark Saporta, Only Senior Political Correspondent

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In an unprecedented show of confidence, Democratic nominee and President-elect-elect Hillary Clinton’s campaign has announced that the candidate will spend the rest of the race on vacation with her family in Martha’s Vineyard, MA.

Seeing virtually no upside to Clinton holding more campaign events, fundraising further or being in the public eye whatsoever, the campaign plans to give her a nice breather while she wins the Presidency more or less by default.

The full press release out of Clinton’s Brooklyn campaign HQ has been transcribed below:

“After a series of devastating gaffes by Donald Trump, culminating in the release of a video in which he claims he can grab women ‘by the pussy’ thanks to his celebrity, the Cantaloupe Colossus has effectively scuppered any chance he ever had of becoming the 45th President.

If the deal hadn’t been sealed when congressional Republicans began deserting Trump in droves, it certainly was following a barely-adequate debate performance in which he ‘apologized’ for about five seconds and then tried to change the subject as quickly as possible.

And that’s not just talk. Recent polls, both national and in the eight to ten states that we actually give a shit about, have shown momentum in our favor from the moment Trump first uttered the name ‘Alicia Machado.’ We were just one or two points up before the first debate; now, we’re up six and rising. It would take an unprecedented turnaround for us to lose now, and, as you know, the 2016 campaign up until now has been about as conventional as it gets.

Now, we at Clinton HQ aren’t stupid. We know our candidate is among the least popular people ever to run for President. It’s become readily apparent to us over the last 18 months that the less people are paying attention to her, the better we do. So, we are not going to waste this beautiful moment of self-immolation by trotting her out fifty more times to say a few platitudes and talk about policies that, let’s be honest, nobody is paying attention to anyway.

But enough about that. It’s time for Hillary, and indeed all of us, to kick back, relax, and watch as we make history in the most depressing way possible. See you on the 8th!”

At press time, Hillary Clinton had secured a private server for storing her vacation photos.

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