by Skye Toor
Whether it be from the David A. Tepper memorial crater, formerly a field of trees, to the David A. Tepper Memorial School of Serious Business, formerly a place where actual math used to be done, to last year’s David A. Tepper Memorial Lake on what used to be Forbes Avenue in front of Hamburg Hall, we’ve all heard of David Tepper.
Not two years ago, there was talk of Carnival ending due to his desire for a quadrilateral where Midway used to be. He’s just that passionate about geometry. Last year, he picked up the whole of booth with his bare hands.
Tepper is so scary that he recently forced the state of New Jersey to redo their entire budget when his company moved. He was tired of Governor Chris Christie’s unfortunate habit of standing behind pumpkin-spice-flavoring-plated scarecrows. We already knew that, but what we didn’t know is that Tepper definitely doesn’t have a hairless snake man fantasy (which is definitely not why he moved the company to Florida to be closer to hairless snake man and Florida Governor Rick Scott). We all know he moved the company to Florida so he could hire alligators for bouncers instead of Italians.
What’s the most amazing thing about Tepper? No, it isn’t the fact that his company Appaloosa Management sounds like the lover of apps and upgrades that we all need. It’s that, despite being so serious business that he moves markets when he goes on CNBC, he can’t get his namesake school out of 18th place for “best” school of “serious” business in the nation. It’s actually been falling in the ranks as he becomes more and more famous for being more and more profitable.
The Tepper School of Serious Business isn’t being serious enough about the facility that now bears Tepper’s name. The School of Serious Business isn’t as serious about business as Tepper. But I guess we knew that already.