by Michael Quinn, Resident Grumpy Fifty Year Old Who Remembers the Good Old Days
Snake People. They’re coming, and they’re the future. But are they ready for the challenges of independence? Approximately twenty percent of snake people still live with their parents, yet no one seems ready to tell them that it’s time to slither out of the terrarium and start hunting their own small mammals. They seem to spend more and more time on the internet mindlessly hissing about socialism, and less time working for practical necessities like heat lamps for their families. And we all know that lazy snake person who would rather spend all their time taking “sssssselflies” than looking for a job. Maybe you have one sleeping on your couch.
So what makes snake people the irredeemable generation of trash that they are? What mistakes did their whiney liberal parents make, and how can we get them to take the half digested deer carcasses out of their mouths, hinge their jaws back together, and make something of themselves?
I don’t have answers to these question. But I do have opinions. Here are the top seven reasons that Snake People are the worst generation in history:
- They shed their skins all over the place and don’t clean them up because their parents always did it for them.
- They speak in parseltongue, and it’s annoying because it sounds like maybe they are talking about me when I overhear them on the bus.
- Snake People share stuff about social issues on Facebook all the time and it’s annoying. If you’re not going to silently work to solve these problems yourselves, the least you can do is not make me think about them.
- I bet they have icky slimy skin!
- Snake people listen to garbage music with all kinds of irritating electronic beeps and boops where the singer’s voice is always auto-tuned to sound like hissing. When they’re not playing it too loud from their boom-boxes they are walking around oblivious to the world with iPods plugged into the ear-like holes at the bases of their heads. Wake up and listen to your surroundings Sneeple!
- They don’t want to buy a home and hatch a clutch of eggs of their own. Who told these losers that they were supposed to hold out for the life they want and reach for their dreams? Snake people think they are too good to settle down with a job they hate in a house they can’t afford with a spouse they don’t love.
- They think just because they don’t have hip bones it’s okay for them to walk around with their pants lower than their underwear. You don’t look “swag” kids, you look like you’re too lazy to find clothes that fit your weird serpentine anatomy.
Snake people, lack of feet is no excuse for not pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.