Obama Visits CMU: What the Tartan Won’t Tell You

by Spencer Early


What many believe to be our President’s White House Frontiers Conference may not be the case. Mr. Obama’s visit, scheduled for Thursday October 13, is actually the beginning of his clandestine plan to cover up the moon landing. This may sound absurd, but is there any real evidence that this may be true? The traditional conspiracy theory states that Americans landed on the Moon in July 1969, but What Really Happened?

Over the past five years, readme’s anonymous source, dubbed the Edward Snowden of the Millennium, who has Class AAA clearance at the State Department, National Security Agency, and the Bilderberg Group, handed over 300,000 classified documents revealing the truth, more than twice the scale of the Panama Papers… While readme’s chief investigative journalist was writing this story on Google Docs, he noticed a strange glimmer coming from Stever and – POOF! – his Internet connection was lost. It is a clear indication of Hillary’s people at the NSA tampering with the revelation of truth. An investigation ensued, in which detective Conan Scobell discovered a dossier of historical documents of Stever. Of major importance was one titled “Mankind’s Greatest Hoax – Faked Moon Landing”, describing the staged moon landing recorded right here on the fifth floor of Stever on Thursday October 13, 1969. Interestingly, Mr. Obama will be visiting campus on Thursday October 13. While even the finest readme sociologists do not know Obama’s intentions, we believe he is visiting so that he can cover up the Moon landing hoax.

A common feature between Stever and the moon landing is the prominent placement of a flag. But Stever has another flag as well. The arboreal flag. Stever’s theme of green housing is a clear indication of its support for this administration’s stance on climate change and Agenda 21. Why is Stever being the government’s lapdog and mouthpiece? Could it be that the government orchestrated the moon landing hoax there and continually provides funding to Stever to keep their mouths shut? The answer from our sources is an unequivocal ‘yes’. In fact, the true reason Obama is visiting campus is to renegotiate the contract with Stever on the depraved 47th anniversary of the moon landing farce. Stever has spoiled its fifteen-billion-dollar funding on conducting illegal tactics aimed at winning House Wars.  The reason for Stever’s shady relationship with the government and its approval of the government’s most flagrant lies? Could it be that the government sponsored the moon landing hoax in Stever?

But there is one crucial question: Stever was supposedly built in 2006, but the moon landing supposedly occurred in 1969. How could the American government fake the moon landing in a place that did not exist? One possible explanation is lunar aliens, also known as “moonies”. To the untrained eye, Stever appears quite normal, possibly even drab. But new freshman Stever resident Michelle Hopkins spotted new evidence. Instead of participating in House Wars, she admitted to communicating with moonies behind her locked door. The next morning, Hopkins discovered a note from a moony that read “read the final secret”.

Our sources have told us this is a bigger conspiracy and he/she/they will disclose more information after he/she/they find/s a sanctuary.

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