by Céline Delaunay, Moderate Annoyance Correspondent
According to an anonymous source, a sophomore design major found herself in a bit of a pickle early Tuesday morning. As a design major, she is a very busy person and thus has little time for the fashioning of fine meals such as breakfast. She is still, however, a growing, living individual in need of sustenance, so she concluded that she must satisfy her insufferable hunger in some way. She had little time and few options, so she hastily purchased a bagel with cream cheese, but in all of the hustle, she forget to grab one of those dinky white plastic knives that are so graciously supplied for all of our mediocre cutting needs.
Catastrophically, she did not notice this until later, when she opened her styrofoam to-go container in order to rapidly consume said bagel. Enough time had elapsed that it would no longer be societally acceptable for her to merely return to the place from whence she purchased her bagel and obtain one aforementioned mediocre cutting implement. Furthermore, it would seem too much like admitting defeat, and she was a determined human who does not give up!
In order to prevent what could quickly become a rash of plastic knifelessness, readme has compiled a plethora of possible solutions to this age-old problem, and has weeded out the absurd.
One suggestion is to simply eat the two foods in sequence, as one might with dinner and dessert, say. The two are, after all, going to end up in the same place, so it should really have no impact on the user’s eating or digesting experience. Another suggestion is to survey one’s environment in order to find an object as closely resembling a knife as possible. This technique, however, has been found to be potentially unsanitary and is especially not recommended when eating one’s bagel outside. This, many have reported, may result in loss of appetite due to the dirt that tends to cling to many items found in nature. A third suggestion is to squeeze the creamy substance out of its container onto the bagel, but this often attracts the attention of many passersby and is not particularly flattering. Additionally, using this technique proves to make it horribly difficult to create an even coating across the bagel, and cream cheese plastic container collectors were dismayed that their cream cheese plastic containers were thoroughly misshapen in the squeezing process.
Which of these techniques, you may ask, does readme recommend? We will leave that up to your discretion. Just know that we support all of your bagel-eating decisions, but we urge you to be prepared and to remember to always practice safe bagel consumption.