by Mark Saporta, Only Senior Political Correspondent
In a major achievement for the newly elected leader, President of the Philippines Rodrigo Duterte has been awarded Rookie of the Year 2016 in the October issue of the magazine Axis of Evil.
The periodical, long known as the most prestigious source for tricks of the tyrannical trade, surprised its readership by giving the honor to Duterte, a democratically elected leader who until very recently had no name recognition whatsoever outside of his home country. Nonetheless, Duterte’s words and actions in the few months he has been President show that, even early in his career as an insane tyrant, he can go toe-to-toe with the established nutjobs.
For more on the new Rookie of the Year, your political correspondent has turned to Megan A. Lomania, a longtime Axis of Evil writer highly respected in the dictatorial community:
readme: So I think it’s fair to say that few expected Axis of Evil to award an elected leader Rookie of the Year.
Lomania: True enough. Our focus is typically on rogue generals, mid-level bureaucrats turned savage madmen, you know…tyrant material. Even though Duterte does have the black mark of being elected rather than taking the Presidency by force, when we looked at his record, we knew this was our man.
readme: What specifically do you think makes Duterte the most promising new psychopath of 2016?
Lomania: You know, I’m sure everyone thinks we chose Duterte because he called President Obama a “son of a whore” ahead of their first diplomatic meeting. And don’t get me wrong, that gave him a lot of points in our book! But there’s so much more to Duterte than just his incredibly brazen insults. There’s his rampant extrajudicial killings of drug dealers. There’s his raging anti-Americanism. There’s his not-even-kinda-veiled misogyny. There’s his Trump-like campaign promise that he would become “prim and proper” once elected, a promise that he has discarded in spectacular fashion. Hell, last week he compared himself to Hitler! It’s really quite a showing for someone who’s only been in office for four months.
readme: How has he reacted to the news that he’s won?
Lomania: He threatened to withdraw the Philippines from the Earth, and called our editor-in-chief “a pathetic little piece of shit”.
readme: So, uh, not great then.
Lomania: Honestly, I have no idea. I think that might just be how he reacts to everything.
readme: Well, thank you for your time, and tell Recep Tayyip Erdogan I said hi.
At press time, 2016 was shaping up to be a banner fucking year for democracy.