by Mark Saporta, Only Senior Political Correspondent
In a not-all-that-stunning election eventuality, the endless barrage of questions, requests for comment and unsolicited advice concerning Trump that Republican VP nominee Mike Pence has received in the last two months culminated in him publicly breaking down at a press conference last night.
The Indiana Governor and, Christ, just the most politician-looking politician that this good green Earth has ever produced, reportedly cried out in anguish after another damn reporter asked another damn question about another damn racist or sexist or blatantly false thing Trump had expelled from his mouth.
Multiple sources have confirmed that, following an initial outburst of “NO! I’M DONE! I’M SO DONE WITH THIS!” shouted in a tone far removed from his usual media-trained, old-white-guy-from-the-Midwest strains, Pence began to sob loudly and inelegantly into his cupped hands for several minutes.
Sources also report that Pence occasionally mumbled angrily in between sobs, with the only clearly audible words being “Ghazala Khan,” “tiny hands,” and “great, great wall, more like great, great wall of BULLSHIT.”
In a rare moment of compassion, several reporters in the audience attempted to comfort the 57-year-old piece of white bread. Notably, CNN political correspondent Dana Bash walked up to Pence, gave him an extended “bro hug” (back pats included), and gently whispered, “It’s gonna be alright… Just cry it out.”
After a few minutes more, Pence abruptly shouted “I’M LEAVING!” and stormed away from the podium. Sources report that he spent the rest of the evening crying, binge-watching House of Cards, and eating several pints of Ben & Jerry’s “Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough” ice cream.
While it is, needless to say, unusual to see national politicians candidates display any candidness whatsoever, it is not that surprising that Mike Pence has begun falling apart at the seams. After all, Pence is a staunch fiscal and social conservative who has been forced to awkwardly defend the ridiculous statements of a man with whom he profoundly disagrees every single day since he was nominated in mid-July. That sort of strain can take a toll on anyone, even someone genetically modified and groomed from birth to be the Most Default Politician Possible.
At press time, the Democratic VP nominee is still Tim Kaine, a fact you almost certainly forgot somewhere around early August.