by Kwanpo Cheng
After years of false predictions, the Institute of Maya Studies have released a new interpretation of the apocalypse. According to a recent statement, the Institute believes they have accurately decoded the markings on an ancient Mayan calendar—and the final date is January 20 of next year.
“This past June, we unearthed several carvings in a temple that made light of several Mayan leap days,” said the Head of the Institute, Janet Macklin. “We re-calibrated our research and we are confident that the world will end early in 2017. The fact that the Mayan Apocalypse will occur on the hour of the new president’s inauguration is purely coincidental.”
The carvings also depicted images of humanity’s impending doom, beginning with a false idol’s rise to power and culminating in a global catastrophe where the Earth slowly burns to death.
“The most mysterious interpretation of the text is the massive construction of Walls,” the report continues. “A sharp crack will open, searing across the sky, turning the air foul and the rain sour. The earth will split and massive Walls will arise to divide the world. Waters will recede and expose large banks to swallow up the masses.”
The Institute is urging everyone to remain calm as the apocalypse approaches. Macklin advises everyone not to panic, despite acknowledging everyone is all on a slow journey to death and destruction.
Local resident John Bastian believes otherwise. “These crackpots have been predicting the end of the world for years. It’s just Inauguration Day. Seriously, what’s the worst that can happen?”
A religious sect has also made similar claims, citing the Bible and saying the apocalypse will be accompanied by a plague of frogs and taxes.