by Ben Kaplan
[While readme generally prefers to avoid news stories that might be found in other publications (so-called “real news”), this was too good to pass up. -Ed.]
In news that sounds like an Onion article but is sadly and hilariously real, the government of Kim Jong-Un: Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Chairman of the Worker’s Party of Korea, Chairman of the Central Military Commission, Chairman of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, and presidium member of the Politburo of the Workers’ Party of Korea” (thank you Wikipedia), has banned sarcastic statements from utterance by government officials and the citizenry.
The news was conveyed to government officials and the citizenry in meetings across the country. Phrases like “This is all America’s fault” (the North Korean equivalent of “Thanks, Obama”) are now deemed “unacceptable crimes” and will be punished in typical North Korean fashion: the disappearance of the offender and/or their family and imprisonment in a worker’s concentration camp. And of course, sarcasm directly referring to the government is a no-no!
Also banned was the phrase, “a fool who cannot see the outside world,” which was used by North Korean government officials to refer to their great rotund leader after he flaked out on World War II 70th anniversary celebrations.
Honestly though, readme does not understand why this rule even had to be put in place. After all, Kim Jong-Un is the most gifted, most competent, most handsome world leader ever in all of existence across the multiverse! Having accomplished such feats as ending world hunger, counting to infinity (twice), and many other facts recorded by CollegeHumor in their 100% factual documentaries:
The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un, The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un Part 2, The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un Part 3, The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un Part 4 – Kim Jong-Un vs PSY, Kim Jong-Un and Dennis Rodman Recreate Space Jam, Kim Jong-Un Goes Back to School, Kim Jong-Un Launches a Nuke, Kim Jong-Un vs. Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-Un vs. Christmas, Kim Jong-Un Is A Pokemon Master, Kim Jong-Un’s Hunger Games, Kim Jong-Un vs. Kim Jong-Il, Kim Jong-Un vs. Kim Jong-Il (Part 2), and The Adventures of Kim Jong-Un and Dennis Rodman.
Other fun facts about Kim Jong-un that are legitimately taught in the schools of “true” Korea:
- Kim Jong-Un could drive at the age of 3
- Kim Jong-Un bowled a perfect 300 his first time bowling
- And, likewise, he got five holes-in-one whilst scoring 38 under par the first time he played golf