by Apratim Vidyarthi, terrified-of-the-future-of-the-country-columnist
In a shocking turn of events, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton showed up to Zack Galafakakakanakis’ renowned news program Between Two Ferns, citing a desire to make a serious announcement that was likely to appeal to millennials. On the show, Clinton expressed sarcasm, disdain, and other emotions that most millennials had earlier concluded that Clinton did not have due to her being a robot. This major campaign announcement—that Clinton is indeed one of us—has the potential to change the shape of this election by around 0.2 percentage points.
At the debate Monday, her opponent Donald Trump attacked this quality, calling it her “tragic flaw.” He was quoted as saying, “Listen to me, because I know what I’m talking about. I have investments in Chicago, great town, Chicago, and what we need is to make America great again, and I just don’t think a human like Secretary Clinton is going to do that. Don’t get me wrong, I have—I’ve always had a great relationship with the human community, I just think we need to reinstate certain policies that have worked in the past to keep corruption in check, like the stop and flick policy.”
When the debate moderator pointed out that stop and flick was ruled unconstitutional for disproportionately targeting warm-blooded candidates, Trump flicked his own tongue in an ostentatious display of his lizard-folk heritage and supposed ability to lead.
Clinton’s declaration of humanity comes in stark contrast to Trump’s unfettered racism, sexism, lack of logic, and obsession with gold. Several biologists and prominent scientists have claimed that Trump’s behavior and looks are more reflective of snake people than of the dignified lizard race to which he claims to belong.
Whatever the result of this election, it’s sure to be historically significant. America will have either its first human president since Herbert Hoover or a disgraced lizard in a cheeto costume. Stay tuned to find out!