CMU Declares War on USC

by Ben Kaplan

2016-09-23-3

Last week, whilst huddled in the Carnegie Mellon Situation Room in the bottom of Warner Hall, President Suresh broke news that the administration desperately did not want to hear: the new rankings were in and CMU went down by one.

Previously, CMU was locked in a four-way tie for 23rd. Now, however, CMU is still locked in three-way tie, but USC has broken past and claimed the 23rd spot.

“Carnegie Mellon will continue to pursue innovative research and rigorous academics that push the bounds of knowledge, regardless of our ranking. That being said, the so-called ‘University of Spoiled Children’ must be eviscerated.” declared Suresh.

President Suresh did not elaborate how this would be accomplished, but rumor has it that each school has been tasked with proposing their own methodology. Already, the School of Computer Science has penetrated USC systems and is waiting for the go ahead to (digitally) erase them from the face of the Earth. Meanwhile, CIT and Mellon are working on their plans to destroy USC with an engineered earthquake and engineered virus respectively. Tepper plans to launch a targeted viral negative ad campaign against “the University of Spoiled Children,” and CFA has devised an art exhibit “rejecting the Southern California lifestyle for its lack of motivational constructs and embrace of ‘total chillness’ for being ill-defined and cliché since the 90s.” Dietrich plans on flooding the USC campus with “lots and lots of glue.” When asked how they would acquire, transport, and position such large quantities of glue, our source claimed, “The engineers in CIT will figure it out.”

Plans involving the partial or wholesale destruction of the surrounding Los Angeles metropolitan area are not only permitted, but encouraged, since UCLA (currently also locked in the three-way tie with CMU) would be part of the collateral, and as President Suresh gleefully pointed out, eviscerating both would “kill two birds with one stone.”

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