Apparently Some Libertarian Guy Also Running for President

by Mark Saporta, Only Senior Political Correspondent

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So it turns out that, aside from Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, there’s also this libertarian dude running for President.

Not only does this guy—shit, what was his name? I just had it a second ago…—have a much higher net favorability than Clinton or Trump, the second-most and most hated presidential candidates in history respectively, he is also doing surprisingly well in the polls for a third-party candidate.

As of early September, the former governor and cannabis firm executive was averaging nearly 8 percent in general election polling, even when the other woman was included—you know the one, the super-liberal one all the Bernie people like.

Unfortunately for Libertarian Bro, the polling floor for being included in the official general election debates is 15 percent, a number which would be hard enough for him to reach even if the third-party vote wasn’t being split by the Greens.

As is usual for most third-party candidates, the primary obstacle for Jackson (wait, that doesn’t sound right…) is name recognition. Without a large and moneyed party infrastructure, Guy-whose-last-name-may-or-may-not-be-Jackson is having a difficult time making his presence in the race felt by voters not following the election closely. Opinion polls indicate that a surprisingly large proportion of Americans more or less agree with his platform of far less social and economic regulation domestically and non-interventionism abroad, so if a greater subset of the voting public knew who this rando was and what he stood for he could be a far more legitimate contender for the Presidency.

Barring some major political sea-change in the next two months, though, his main influence over the election will be whether he siphons more Bernie diehards off of Clinton or principled conservatives off of Trump. If nothing else, he’ll have managed to build a coalition of crotchety septuagenarian Ayn Rand fetishists and soy-latte-sipping twentysomething SJWs, an impressive feat in its own right.

At press time HEY LOOK EVERYONE TRUMP SAID SOMETHING CRAZY

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