Hillary Clinton to Take Four Week Vacation

by Mark Saporta, Only Senior Political Correspondent

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In an unprecedented show of confidence, Democratic nominee and President-elect-elect Hillary Clinton’s campaign has announced that the candidate will spend the rest of the race on vacation with her family in Martha’s Vineyard, MA.

Seeing virtually no upside to Clinton holding more campaign events, fundraising further or being in the public eye whatsoever, the campaign plans to give her a nice breather while she wins the Presidency more or less by default.

The full press release out of Clinton’s Brooklyn campaign HQ has been transcribed below:

“After a series of devastating gaffes by Donald Trump, culminating in the release of a video in which he claims he can grab women ‘by the pussy’ thanks to his celebrity, the Cantaloupe Colossus has effectively scuppered any chance he ever had of becoming the 45th President.

If the deal hadn’t been sealed when congressional Republicans began deserting Trump in droves, it certainly was following a barely-adequate debate performance in which he ‘apologized’ for about five seconds and then tried to change the subject as quickly as possible.

And that’s not just talk. Recent polls, both national and in the eight to ten states that we actually give a shit about, have shown momentum in our favor from the moment Trump first uttered the name ‘Alicia Machado.’ We were just one or two points up before the first debate; now, we’re up six and rising. It would take an unprecedented turnaround for us to lose now, and, as you know, the 2016 campaign up until now has been about as conventional as it gets.

Now, we at Clinton HQ aren’t stupid. We know our candidate is among the least popular people ever to run for President. It’s become readily apparent to us over the last 18 months that the less people are paying attention to her, the better we do. So, we are not going to waste this beautiful moment of self-immolation by trotting her out fifty more times to say a few platitudes and talk about policies that, let’s be honest, nobody is paying attention to anyway.

But enough about that. It’s time for Hillary, and indeed all of us, to kick back, relax, and watch as we make history in the most depressing way possible. See you on the 8th!”

At press time, Hillary Clinton had secured a private server for storing her vacation photos.

The Likeness of Matrix Algebra and Rugby to Water and Oil

by Céline Delaunay, Moderate Annoyance Correspondent

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To the student watching rugby in the front row of their matrix algebra recitation: we do not advise this.

Not because we think that you should be a model student and pay attention in your classes, no. But if it’s a recitation that immediately follows an exam that we aren’t getting back until the end of that week and attendance isn’t taken, then we see no reason for you to do your sports viewing in class.

Perhaps for those of us who don’t sports, it is not so difficult to ignore the enthralling urgency with which these muscular men lunge for a ball. If our readers are among those people, and don’t know what rugby is, they should think American football on steroids. Oh, wait.

But for those of us who lived in the middle of nowhere and still got phone calls from neighbors asking us if everything was alright because of the screams emanating from our house during the World Cup, watching any sport in silence without becoming enraged at the ref’s inability to see that the opposing team is offside or undoubtedly faking an injury feels inherently wrong.

 This means that when you sit in the front row with your screen projecting moving sports pictures, those of us fitting into the second category have a very difficult time not giving away your non-academic viewing—not flinching at every missed drop goal or particularly painful-looking diving tackle.

 So on behalf of your peers, we ask you—no, we implore you—to please take your sports viewing elsewhere.

Better Know A Trustee: David A. Tepper

by Skye Toor

2016-10-07-2

Whether it be from the David A. Tepper memorial crater, formerly a field of trees, to the David A. Tepper Memorial School of Serious Business, formerly a place where actual math used to be done, to last year’s David A. Tepper Memorial Lake on what used to be Forbes Avenue in front of Hamburg Hall, we’ve all heard of David Tepper.

Not two years ago, there was talk of Carnival ending due to his desire for a quadrilateral where Midway used to be. He’s just that passionate about geometry. Last year, he picked up the whole of booth with his bare hands.

Tepper is so scary that he recently forced the state of New Jersey to redo their entire budget when his company moved. He was tired of Governor Chris Christie’s unfortunate habit of standing behind pumpkin-spice-flavoring-plated scarecrows. We already knew that, but what we didn’t know is that Tepper definitely doesn’t have a hairless snake man fantasy (which is definitely not why he moved the company to Florida to be closer to hairless snake man and Florida Governor Rick Scott). We all know he moved the company to Florida so he could hire alligators for bouncers instead of Italians.

What’s the most amazing thing about Tepper? No, it isn’t the fact that his company Appaloosa Management sounds like the lover of apps and upgrades that we all need. It’s that, despite being so serious business that he moves markets when he goes on CNBC, he can’t get his namesake school out of 18th place for “best” school of “serious” business in the nation. It’s actually been falling in the ranks as he becomes more and more famous for being more and more profitable.

The Tepper School of Serious Business isn’t being serious enough about the facility that now bears Tepper’s name. The School of Serious Business isn’t as serious about business as Tepper. But I guess we knew that already.

“It’s Raining Men”: A Critical Perspective

by Mark Saporta, Unabashed Overanalyzer

2016-10-07-3

Theory: The demographic aftermath of the events in the song “It’s Raining Men” would be catastrophic.

Primary reference: the official Weather Girls music video.

The plot of “It’s Raining Men” is, at its most basic level, that Mother Nature sends a “perfect guy” (1:55) to “each and every woman” (1:51). The world population is currently about 7.32 billion (1) and about 49.7% of those are women (2). Therefore, there are about 3.63 billion women in the world. Ignoring for the moment the physical consequences of a biomass of over a third of a billion tons ((200lbs*3.63 billion men)/(2000 lbs/ton)) falling from the sky, what would happen if literally every woman was suddenly paired with a perfect guy who had essentially appeared out of thin air?

First of all, the world population would balloon to almost 11 billion people, an almost completely unsustainable number. This massive increase in population would likely lead to mass food and land shortages, as well as a massive deficit of jobs. This resource and employment crisis would only be exacerbated by the 96.5% or so (3) of the planet’s 3.69 billion men who are straight, many of whom would have previously been married or in relationships, suddenly and permanently single: after all, how could any of them ever compete with a man perfectly tailored to each individual woman? The world would descend into chaos under the crush of angry men with little prospect of employment and virtually no prospect of sex. Anarchy, crime, sickness, starvation and despair would reign most likely for decades, until billions were dead and the state of humanity was knocked back decades or even centuries.

In conclusion, the effect of the “rainstorm”, so to speak, would be similar to that of a medium-to-large scale nuclear war, in terms of lives lost and damage to humanity in general. Truly, The Weather Girls are among the most sadistic people this planet has ever seen.

  1. http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/
  2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_sex_ratio ref. “CIA Fact Book”. The Central Intelligence Agency of the United States.
  3. https://en.wikipedia.org/…/LGBT_demographics_of_the_United_… ref. Gates, Gary J. (April 2011). “How many people are lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender?”. Williams Institute, University of California School of Law

Rodrigo Duterte Declared “Rookie of the Year” by Axis of Evil Magazine

by Mark Saporta, Only Senior Political Correspondent

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In a major achievement for the newly elected leader, President of the Philippines Rodrigo Duterte has been awarded Rookie of the Year 2016 in the October issue of the magazine Axis of Evil.

The periodical, long known as the most prestigious source for tricks of the tyrannical trade, surprised its readership by giving the honor to Duterte, a democratically elected leader who until very recently had no name recognition whatsoever outside of his home country. Nonetheless, Duterte’s words and actions in the few months he has been President show that, even early in his career as an insane tyrant, he can go toe-to-toe with the established nutjobs.

For more on the new Rookie of the Year, your political correspondent has turned to Megan A. Lomania, a longtime Axis of Evil writer highly respected in the dictatorial community:

readme: So I think it’s fair to say that few expected Axis of Evil to award an elected leader Rookie of the Year.

Lomania: True enough. Our focus is typically on rogue generals, mid-level bureaucrats turned savage madmen, you know…tyrant material. Even though Duterte does have the black mark of being elected rather than taking the Presidency by force, when we looked at his record, we knew this was our man.

readme: What specifically do you think makes Duterte the most promising new psychopath of 2016?

Lomania: You know, I’m sure everyone thinks we chose Duterte because he called President Obama a “son of a whore” ahead of their first diplomatic meeting. And don’t get me wrong, that gave him a lot of points in our book! But there’s so much more to Duterte than just his incredibly brazen insults. There’s his rampant extrajudicial killings of drug dealers. There’s his raging anti-Americanism. There’s his not-even-kinda-veiled misogyny. There’s his Trump-like campaign promise that he would become “prim and proper” once elected, a promise that he has discarded in spectacular fashion. Hell, last week he compared himself to Hitler! It’s really quite a showing for someone who’s only been in office for four months.

readme: How has he reacted to the news that he’s won?

Lomania: He threatened to withdraw the Philippines from the Earth, and called our editor-in-chief “a pathetic little piece of shit”.

readme: So, uh, not great then.

Lomania: Honestly, I have no idea. I think that might just be how he reacts to everything.

readme: Well, thank you for your time, and tell Recep Tayyip Erdogan I said hi.

At press time, 2016 was shaping up to be a banner fucking year for democracy.

The Bagel-Eater’s Dilemma

by Céline Delaunay, Moderate Annoyance Correspondent

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According to an anonymous source, a sophomore design major found herself in a bit of a pickle early Tuesday morning. As a design major, she is a very busy person and thus has little time for the fashioning of fine meals such as breakfast. She is still, however, a growing, living individual in need of sustenance, so she concluded that she must satisfy her insufferable hunger in some way. She had little time and few options, so she hastily purchased a bagel with cream cheese, but in all of the hustle, she forget to grab one of those dinky white plastic knives that are so graciously supplied for all of our mediocre cutting needs.

Catastrophically, she did not notice this until later, when she opened her styrofoam to-go container in order to rapidly consume said bagel. Enough time had elapsed that it would no longer be societally acceptable for her to merely return to the place from whence she purchased her bagel and obtain one aforementioned mediocre cutting implement. Furthermore, it would seem too much like admitting defeat, and she was a determined human who does not give up!

In order to prevent what could quickly become a rash of plastic knifelessness, readme has compiled a plethora of possible solutions to this age-old problem, and has weeded out the absurd.

One suggestion is to simply eat the two foods in sequence, as one might with dinner and dessert, say. The two are, after all, going to end up in the same place, so it should really have no impact on the user’s eating or digesting experience. Another suggestion is to survey one’s environment in order to find an object as closely resembling a knife as possible. This technique, however, has been found to be potentially unsanitary and is especially not recommended when eating one’s bagel outside. This, many have reported, may result in loss of appetite due to the dirt that tends to cling to many items found in nature. A third suggestion is to squeeze the creamy substance out of its container onto the bagel, but this often attracts the attention of many passersby and is not particularly flattering. Additionally, using this technique proves to make it horribly difficult to create an even coating across the bagel, and cream cheese plastic container collectors were dismayed that their cream cheese plastic containers were thoroughly misshapen in the squeezing process.

Which of these techniques, you may ask, does readme recommend? We will leave that up to your discretion. Just know that we support all of your bagel-eating decisions, but we urge you to be prepared and to remember to always practice safe bagel consumption.

Mayan Apocalypse to Coincide With Inauguration Day 2017

by Kwanpo Cheng

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After years of false predictions, the Institute of Maya Studies have released a new interpretation of the apocalypse. According to a recent statement, the Institute believes they have accurately decoded the markings on an ancient Mayan calendar—and the final date is January 20 of next year.

“This past June, we unearthed several carvings in a temple that made light of several Mayan leap days,” said the Head of the Institute, Janet Macklin. “We re-calibrated our research and we are confident that the world will end early in 2017. The fact that the Mayan Apocalypse will occur on the hour of the new president’s inauguration is purely coincidental.”

The carvings also depicted images of humanity’s impending doom, beginning with a false idol’s rise to power and culminating in a global catastrophe where the Earth slowly burns to death.

“The most mysterious interpretation of the text is the massive construction of Walls,” the report continues. “A sharp crack will open, searing across the sky, turning the air foul and the rain sour. The earth will split and massive Walls  will arise to divide the world. Waters will recede and expose large banks to swallow up the masses.”

The Institute is urging everyone to remain calm as the apocalypse approaches. Macklin advises everyone not to panic, despite acknowledging everyone is all on a slow journey to death and destruction.

Local resident John Bastian believes otherwise. “These crackpots have been predicting the end of the world for years. It’s just Inauguration Day. Seriously, what’s the worst that can happen?”

A religious sect has also made similar claims, citing the Bible and saying the apocalypse will be accompanied by a plague of frogs and taxes.

Hillary Clinton Found to be Human; Qualifications for Presidency Under Question

by Apratim Vidyarthi, terrified-of-the-future-of-the-country-columnist

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In a shocking turn of events, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton showed up to Zack Galafakakakanakis’ renowned news program Between Two Ferns, citing a desire to make a serious announcement that was likely to appeal to millennials. On the show, Clinton expressed sarcasm, disdain, and other emotions that most millennials had earlier concluded that Clinton did not have due to her being a robot. This major campaign announcement—that Clinton is indeed one of us—has the potential to change the shape of this election by around 0.2 percentage points.

At the debate Monday, her opponent Donald Trump attacked this quality, calling it her “tragic flaw.” He was quoted as saying, “Listen to me, because I know what I’m talking about. I have investments in Chicago, great town, Chicago, and what we need is to make America great again, and I just don’t think a human like Secretary Clinton is going to do that. Don’t get me wrong, I have—I’ve always had a great relationship with the human community, I just think we need to reinstate certain policies that have worked in the past to keep corruption in check, like the stop and flick policy.”

When the debate moderator pointed out that stop and flick was ruled unconstitutional for disproportionately targeting warm-blooded candidates, Trump flicked his own tongue in an ostentatious display of his lizard-folk heritage and supposed ability to lead.

Clinton’s declaration of humanity comes in stark contrast to Trump’s unfettered racism, sexism, lack of logic, and obsession with gold. Several biologists and prominent scientists have claimed that Trump’s behavior and looks are more reflective of snake people than of the dignified lizard race to which he claims to belong.

Whatever the result of this election, it’s sure to be historically significant. America will have either its first human president since Herbert Hoover or a disgraced lizard in a cheeto costume. Stay tuned to find out!

Why Snake People are the Worst Generation

by Michael Quinn, Resident Grumpy Fifty Year Old Who Remembers the Good Old Days

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Snake People. They’re coming, and they’re the future. But are they ready for the challenges of independence? Approximately twenty percent of snake people still live with their parents, yet no one seems ready to tell them that it’s time to slither out of the terrarium and start hunting their own small mammals. They seem to spend more and more time on the internet mindlessly hissing about socialism, and less time working for practical necessities like heat lamps for their families. And we all know that lazy snake person who would rather spend all their time taking “sssssselflies” than looking for a job. Maybe you have one sleeping on your couch.

So what makes snake people the irredeemable generation of trash that they are? What mistakes did their whiney liberal parents make, and how can we get them to take the half digested deer carcasses out of their mouths, hinge their jaws back together, and make something of themselves?

I don’t have answers to these question. But I do have opinions. Here are the top seven reasons that Snake People are the worst generation in history:

  1. They shed their skins all over the place and don’t clean them up because their parents always did it for them.
  1. They speak in parseltongue, and it’s annoying because it sounds like maybe they are talking about me when I overhear them on the bus.
  1. Snake People share stuff about social issues on Facebook all the time and it’s annoying. If you’re not going to silently work to solve these problems yourselves, the least you can do is not make me think about them.
  1. I bet they have icky slimy skin!
  1. Snake people listen to garbage music with all kinds of irritating electronic beeps and boops where the singer’s voice is always auto-tuned to sound like hissing. When they’re not playing it too loud from their boom-boxes they are walking around oblivious to the world with iPods plugged into the ear-like holes at the bases of their heads. Wake up and listen to your surroundings Sneeple!
  1. They don’t want to buy a home and hatch a clutch of eggs of their own. Who told these losers that they were supposed to hold out for the life they want and reach for their dreams?  Snake people think they are too good to settle down with a job they hate in a house they can’t afford with a spouse they don’t love.
  1. They think just because they don’t have hip bones it’s okay for them to walk around with their pants lower than their underwear. You don’t look “swag” kids, you look like you’re too lazy to find clothes that fit your weird serpentine anatomy.

Snake people, lack of feet is no excuse for not pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.

TOC to be Rescheduled Earlier for July Next Year

by Kwanpo Cheng, Professional Professional

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As the technology sector continues to grow indefinitely without signs of stopping, large companies have been looking to hire their summer interns at an increasing rate. While this year’s Technical Opportunities Conference (TOC) has taken place at the start of the academic semester, coinciding with the pressure of many students’ first homework assignments, officials say the TOC in 2017 will take place in July, almost two months before school officially opens.

“We have considered carefully about the timing of this wonderfully successful conference,” President Subra Suresh said in an interview. “We recognize that schoolwork often interferes with our students’ professional development and places unnecessary additional stress. If we make the process occur earlier during their time off, then they will not have to worry about it later.”

News of this broke shortly after Carnegie Mellon’s professional development liaison met with representatives of large companies, who unanimously agreed they would like to have first priority at hiring CMU students.

“Your academic career is all about getting that amazing job at your dream company and nothing else,” said a spokesman for Facebook. “We figured, why not let it happen over the summer so it can consume every part of your life? You can do that instead of hang at the beach all summer. And trust us—we know you did,” he added.

Carnegie Mellon has released a long-term plan involving moving up dates for the TOC and other career conferences. “If this goes well, we can expect to have a long wait-list of summer internships by the year 2020,” said Kevin Monahan, head of Career and Professional Development. “Students will be able to apply for jobs two, three years in advance.”

The Creative Arts Opportunities Conference (CAOC) is not expected to change, however. “We don’t really know what they do anymore,” said Monahan.