Students Give Up All Hope

Apratim Vidyarthi, Sleep-Deprived Correspon… zzz…

The Walking Dead has decided that CMU is the perfect place to simulate an atmosphere of desolate madness with sleepless zombies, our sources in Hollywood report. Ernest Dickerson, one of the directors of the Walking Dead, visited campus and noted that students seem to have given up, given their inhuman standards of hygiene and nutrition. Dickerson said that students seem to “be emotionally distant, with their brains in far away places. These poor children look just like the sleepless, emotionally hollow zombies that Walking Dead aspires to portray in every episode.”

One student on campus said, “this is perfect. Wait… what is the Walking Dead? I don’t get out very much.” Professors on campus seem to relish providing more work to their students, maintaining that buildings like “Gates and Wean will feel empty without the near lifeless bodies of students littered in study halls. It just won’t feel like good old CMU.”

Despite this hopelessness and sleeplessness, CMU was recently ranked number 27 in work-hard-play-hard schools in the U.S., prompting many in the student body to wonder who plays hard, and to ponder on what they missed while they were deep inside the basement of a laboratory, coding for hours.

Analysts — and believe us, we have a lot of analysts — at readme have suggested that this sleeplessness and desolation on CMU’s campus could be the perfect moment for a robot uprising from the robotics department. No word from the robotics department — most of the students in that department fear human contact.

We wish you the best of luck in surviving the next few weeks.

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