Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent
In a radical departure from all previously experienced behavior, voters across America are unexpectedly finding themselves looking back fondly on when partisan gridlock seemed like the greatest political problem the country faced.
Reports have emerged that, as the 2016 primaries drag on and the nation drifts ever closer to what might be the most contentious party convention in half a century, Americans now view worrying about gridlock as just another example of the naivete of younger times, like thinking that the Tooth Fairy is real or that the government isn’t spying on us.
In fact, when asked to explain why they had thought Congress’ complete inability to function correctly from late 2010 onwards was such a dire issue, many respondents simply shook their heads and gave a sad smile, often saying some variant of “I didn’t know just how bad things could get…None of us did.”
To track this stunning development in American public opinion, readme has turned to veteran political analyst and patron saint of people who crib talking points from pundits to sound intelligent Nathaniel Gold for his take:
readme: As recently as mid-2015, the American public looked at the incredible levels of gridlock in Washington with a swirling mélange of frustration, anger and resignation. Now they’re looking back on the first half of the decade with rose-tinted glasses. How did this happen?
Gold: Well, until last August, Americans were unaware just how many of their countrymen were either credulous or hateful enough to support a blustering xenophobe with a terrible business record and no actual policies. Even people aware enough of global affairs to be following the rise of far-right populist leaders in Europe figured that, you know, that was a them problem. But now, whoops, turns out we have a National Front right in our front yard, and it’s taking a dump all over our lawn.
readme: But the Tea Party has been around since the turn of the decade, and they want to burn down D.C. and throw all the immigrants into the Atlantic at least as much as Trump supporters do. Why does this feel so much worse?
Gold: How many Tea Party-backed candidates made the size of their hands a major campaign issue?
readme: I mean, there was that one time [2010 Massachusetts Senate candidate and possible witch] Christine O’Donnell had to state publicly that she wasn’t a witch.
Gold: Yeah, but. Hand size. For over a month. And then he referenced the size of his dick in a debate.
Gold: There’s one good thing coming out of this whole mess. Politics hasn’t been this entertaining since lawmakers were literally caning each other on the Senate floor. Let’s all hope to our preferred deities that it’s never this entertaining again.
At press time, most Americans quietly understood that they would look back on the 2016 election and laugh. Or cry. Actually, probably cry.