Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent
In the wake of former GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio’s suspension of his campaign after his crushing loss in Florida, reports have emerged that the Republican National Convention has given him a spirit award for “his energetic participation in the GOP primary process”.
Despite his onetime status as the Great Cuban Hope of the Republican Party, the candidate who could unite traditional conservatives, Tea Partiers and evangelicals with his compelling life story and optimistic message about America’s future, Rubio came away from the primary only with victories in a few inconsequential conquests and a foot-tall, shoddily made plastic trophy of a man behind a podium.
To discuss what Rubio’s pathetically token result means for his political future, readme has turned to Rubio’s campaign manager Alex Conant:
readme: Senator Rubio was hailed as the most viable candidate the GOP had on offer this election cycle, both in the primaries and in a general-election matchup against Hillary Clinton. He ended up winning Minnesota, Puerto Rico, Washington D.C. and a trophy so small that receiving it is honestly way more depressing than getting nothing. What happened?
Conant: What are you talking about? Marco Rubio winning the spirit award is a great achievement! We plan to hold a victory speech tomorrow night.
readme: …This really isn’t something you can hold up as a victory. Your man lost, Alex. He lost bad. He lost bad in his home state to someone who, let’s be frank, has no business winning any political contest whatsoever. You cannot have a victory speech about getting the spirit award.
Conant: See, now you’re just underestimating us. We held a victory rally after Rubio came in third in Iowa. We held a victory rally after he came in second in South Carolina. We didn’t hold a victory rally after he came in fifth in New Hampshire, but that’s just because our victory rally manager was out with the flu. Senator Rubio actually won something this time; if that doesn’t merit an unreasonably self-confident speech, I don’t know what does.
readme: Winning an election. That’s what does.
Conant: Look at all the endorsements we got from establishment politicians! Look at our several-hundred-person rallies! Look at the beautiful trophy that the RNC saw fit to award us! Surely, the Rubio campaign was nothing if not an unmitigated success.
readme: You poor, poor delusional bastard. Thank you for your time.
At press time, there’s pretty much no chance that Rubio wasn’t already gearing up to run again in 2020.