Obama Still President, Supreme Court Nomination of Merrick Garland Proves

 

Apratim Vidyarthi, Presidential Correspondent

In an event that comes as a surprise to all 24/7 news networks and presidential candidates, the Presidency of the United States is apparently still in the hands of Barack Obama. This “truth” was brought to light when the seemingly-still-President Obama nominated Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court. While presidential candidates have proposed plans to revamp the economy and repeal Obamacare, few realize that President Obama still has power over the country.

Sources in the Senate report discombobulation and surprise by Republican senators, whose position on the Supreme Court nomination, a replacement for conservative Antonin Scalia, was that the U.S. needs a President to nominate a Supreme Court Justice. Asked for a comment, House Majority Leader and Turtle-in-Charge Mitch McConnell said “we initially opposed the nomination of a justice because we believed that a President is required, by the Constitution, for a nomination. We thought President Obama was no longer President, but he’s sneaky, holding onto power for the full eight years. We thought that replacing him on the news with Trump and Cruz would oust him from power.”

Many in the country expressed astonishment that Obama had the gall to remain in power and perform duties required by his office in the midst of an election season. Senator, Presidential Candidate, and Canadian Ted Cruz, in an evidence of his Canadian-ness, apologized for getting the facts wrong, and stated that “I opposed the Supreme Court nomination because I thought we needed a president in the White House before we could replace the justice, as stated in the constitution. I clearly know how the constitution works, because I studied it.” Analysts point to the contradiction that if Barack Obama had truly left the White House vacant, Ted Cruz would be there in less than five minutes to move in.

Former President George W. Bush, who went into hiding after leaving the White House, released a statement which mentioned that “I am surprised Barack Obama is keeping the Presidency for all eight years. I did not have enough stamina and left the White House to Cheney after my sixth year… hehehe. Nonetheless, my brother, who was running for president and is a bigger expert on the constitution than Trump—after all, he did help in Florida in 2000—said that Presidents are not allowed to nominate justices in their final year, especially if they are Democrats… hehehe.”

President Obama, who has struggled to get attention in the news because of their coverage of MH-370, the election, and Justin Bieber’s escapades, held a press conference and stated that “I have not moved out of the White House yet. My mailing address is still here! I cannot believe Senators McConnell and Cruz haven’t noticed, but it’s not like they’re in DC most of the time. I nominated a justice, as I think that’s my job, and it’s not like I have anything else to do, other than enjoy the beaches of Cuba.”

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