Buggy Drivers Quit, Teams Poach Leprechauns

“I quit!”

Spencer Early, Irish Racing Correspondent

To date, the 2015-2016 Sweepstakes practice season has experienced over nine thousand buggy crashes. Understandably, the drivers are (pardon the pun) quite shaken up. Fearing for their lives, every buggy driver quit. Despite being granted privileges such as not having to sweep the course and saeihaeosn, all the drivers absolutely refused to get into a buggy ever again.

While it is nice that there will be no one getting hurt, it is not so nice that 2016 Sweepstakes will probably get canceled. Then, CIA had an idea. Pioneering buggy driver technology, CIA chair Reine Li set out to the forests of central Canada to search for leprechauns.

Why leprechauns? It is a known fact that only 1.7 percent of CMU students are small enough to drive a buggy. 100 percent of leprechauns are small enough to drive buggies. But the advantages do not stop there. Leprechauns require no sleep, therefore making great mechanics.

The benefits of leprechauns are tremendous. So tremendous that in addition to having leprechaun drivers and mechanics, CIA also plans to have an all-leprechaun push team. This will allow for lower pushbars, which is speculated to greatly improve freeroll times due to improved aerodynamics.

Lucky charms have yet to be ruled illegal, but the Sweepstakes committee is looking into it.

As of press time, many other teams have taken CIA’s lead and have begun poaching leprechauns.

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