New Tech, Old Styles

Apple released a new iPhone, the SE — size of the 5s, specs of the 6s. What other new products could use old form-factors with updated specs?

  • LCD monitors inside CRT bodies
  • Combustion engines inside fake horses that pull a buggy
  • Casing of a big old hard disk from when computers were the size of rooms, with just enough hardware interface to get to the 512 GB USB memory stick on the inside
  • iPhone 22 specs in an iPhone 6s shell, right now in 2016
  • iPhone specs in an old car phone
  • Printers that actually work in today’s printer bodies
  • A laser disk with a Blu-ray spread across it
  • Real musicians hiding inside the iPod
  • An older person’s body with a new person’s brain (basically, a 70-year-old with the mind of a 7-month year old)
  • Skeumorphic icons
  • Flesh of an apple in a banana
  • PS4 internals with PS1 shells
  • Actually, that would be a cool, classic throwback

The Ides of March

Thatcher Montgomery, whose brother’s birthday is on the Ides of March

The Ides of March have come and gone with little to no fanfare. Why are we ignoring this important pagan holiday? readme took to the streets to find out what students think.

“Sir, sir, excuse me a moment. What did you do for the Ides of March this year?” readme’s first respondent ran off screaming, likely put off by the appearance of an extremely good-looking bear.

“The Tides of March? I like to go out at low tide and look at all the sea stars. They’re not really fish, the sea stars, so you shouldn’t call them starfish.”

“The Eyes of March? Are they watching me? They’re watching right now, aren’t they? Always watching.”

“The Ides of March? Ah yes, the day Caesar was brutally murdered by his own countrymen, including his dear friend Brutus. Did you know ‘Et tu, Brutus’ is only a popularization, used in the first half of a macaronic line in Shakespeare’s play? Did you know that macaronic means that it uses multiple languages?”

Finally, readme found someone who had celebrated the Ides of March in grand old pagan fashion, with a sacrificial sheep and feasting. They also ran an old man out of Pittsburgh, representing the old year being replaced with the new, despite the Ides of March taking place a few months into the new year in the modern Gregorian calendar.

They continued the celebrations into this week, with remembrance of Attis’ death under a pine tree and rebirth three days later, ceremonies that are oddly familiar. In other news, Christians are looking forward to celebrating Easter this weekend.

readme Gives Fleeting Moments of Happiness

Apratim Vidyarthi, Hope Correspondent

Of all the things that could be said about 2016, the year being a particularly satisfying or reassuring one is not one of them. Thus, we at readme are working our hardest, and sacrificing our procrastination time to write articles that take us away from the pain of scrolling through our Facebook newsfeeds and reading more terrifying articles about the Republican Party.

Our mail and email inboxes have been flooded with concerning emails about increasing depression, alarm, and consumption of giant tubs of ice cream, as more and more people tune into the news and immediately shake in terror after seeing the chaos. Some readers are surprised that our country harbors so many racists, sexists, and homophobes, forgetting that last conversation with their racist grandmas, or that sexist conversation with the ogling construction worker, or the continued existence of the KKK. Many readers wrote that this “Donald Trump joke is getting old.” We think so too, and more is at risk for us than for you: he is already destroying jobs in the comedy industry, since it’s really hard to make jokes when reality is just as funny and scary. Some readers complained that simply turning on the news gives them PTSD. We can only call upon the nation’s government and tell them that events today are creating a heavier burden on our medical system, and that Republicans are once again doing their best to destroy Obamacare by overburdening our medical system and then blaming it for failing.

The staff at readme understand the darkness and chaos that is engulfing this country. We understand that those who laugh at our articles do so for catharsis in a world where all other media outlets are terrifying and cause wet pants. We understand the heavy burden and responsibility placed upon us to fight this darkness, and we can proudly claim that at best, we can laugh at the insanity of this year for maybe a month or two, before we too are taken by the Trumpocalypse. Our commitment to you is that we shall make you laugh in the face of impending doom, so that you do not go gently into that good night.

Obama Still President, Supreme Court Nomination of Merrick Garland Proves

 

Apratim Vidyarthi, Presidential Correspondent

In an event that comes as a surprise to all 24/7 news networks and presidential candidates, the Presidency of the United States is apparently still in the hands of Barack Obama. This “truth” was brought to light when the seemingly-still-President Obama nominated Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court. While presidential candidates have proposed plans to revamp the economy and repeal Obamacare, few realize that President Obama still has power over the country.

Sources in the Senate report discombobulation and surprise by Republican senators, whose position on the Supreme Court nomination, a replacement for conservative Antonin Scalia, was that the U.S. needs a President to nominate a Supreme Court Justice. Asked for a comment, House Majority Leader and Turtle-in-Charge Mitch McConnell said “we initially opposed the nomination of a justice because we believed that a President is required, by the Constitution, for a nomination. We thought President Obama was no longer President, but he’s sneaky, holding onto power for the full eight years. We thought that replacing him on the news with Trump and Cruz would oust him from power.”

Many in the country expressed astonishment that Obama had the gall to remain in power and perform duties required by his office in the midst of an election season. Senator, Presidential Candidate, and Canadian Ted Cruz, in an evidence of his Canadian-ness, apologized for getting the facts wrong, and stated that “I opposed the Supreme Court nomination because I thought we needed a president in the White House before we could replace the justice, as stated in the constitution. I clearly know how the constitution works, because I studied it.” Analysts point to the contradiction that if Barack Obama had truly left the White House vacant, Ted Cruz would be there in less than five minutes to move in.

Former President George W. Bush, who went into hiding after leaving the White House, released a statement which mentioned that “I am surprised Barack Obama is keeping the Presidency for all eight years. I did not have enough stamina and left the White House to Cheney after my sixth year… hehehe. Nonetheless, my brother, who was running for president and is a bigger expert on the constitution than Trump—after all, he did help in Florida in 2000—said that Presidents are not allowed to nominate justices in their final year, especially if they are Democrats… hehehe.”

President Obama, who has struggled to get attention in the news because of their coverage of MH-370, the election, and Justin Bieber’s escapades, held a press conference and stated that “I have not moved out of the White House yet. My mailing address is still here! I cannot believe Senators McConnell and Cruz haven’t noticed, but it’s not like they’re in DC most of the time. I nominated a justice, as I think that’s my job, and it’s not like I have anything else to do, other than enjoy the beaches of Cuba.”

Buggy Drivers Quit, Teams Poach Leprechauns

“I quit!”

Spencer Early, Irish Racing Correspondent

To date, the 2015-2016 Sweepstakes practice season has experienced over nine thousand buggy crashes. Understandably, the drivers are (pardon the pun) quite shaken up. Fearing for their lives, every buggy driver quit. Despite being granted privileges such as not having to sweep the course and saeihaeosn, all the drivers absolutely refused to get into a buggy ever again.

While it is nice that there will be no one getting hurt, it is not so nice that 2016 Sweepstakes will probably get canceled. Then, CIA had an idea. Pioneering buggy driver technology, CIA chair Reine Li set out to the forests of central Canada to search for leprechauns.

Why leprechauns? It is a known fact that only 1.7 percent of CMU students are small enough to drive a buggy. 100 percent of leprechauns are small enough to drive buggies. But the advantages do not stop there. Leprechauns require no sleep, therefore making great mechanics.

The benefits of leprechauns are tremendous. So tremendous that in addition to having leprechaun drivers and mechanics, CIA also plans to have an all-leprechaun push team. This will allow for lower pushbars, which is speculated to greatly improve freeroll times due to improved aerodynamics.

Lucky charms have yet to be ruled illegal, but the Sweepstakes committee is looking into it.

As of press time, many other teams have taken CIA’s lead and have begun poaching leprechauns.

Rubio Drops, Receives Spirit Award from RNC

Behind the smile lies a level of despair only attainable by losing your home state to Donald Trump

Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent

In the wake of former GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio’s suspension of his campaign after his crushing loss in Florida, reports have emerged that the Republican National Convention has given him a spirit award for “his energetic participation in the GOP primary process”.

Despite his onetime status as the Great Cuban Hope of the Republican Party, the candidate who could unite traditional conservatives, Tea Partiers and evangelicals with his compelling life story and optimistic message about America’s future, Rubio came away from the primary only with victories in a few inconsequential conquests and a foot-tall, shoddily made plastic trophy of a man behind a podium.

To discuss what Rubio’s pathetically token result means for his political future, readme has turned to Rubio’s campaign manager Alex Conant:

readme: Senator Rubio was hailed as the most viable candidate the GOP had on offer this election cycle, both in the primaries and in a general-election matchup against Hillary Clinton. He ended up winning Minnesota, Puerto Rico, Washington D.C. and a trophy so small that receiving it is honestly way more depressing than getting nothing. What happened?

Conant: What are you talking about? Marco Rubio winning the spirit award is a great achievement! We plan to hold a victory speech tomorrow night.

readme: …This really isn’t something you can hold up as a victory. Your man lost, Alex. He lost bad. He lost bad in his home state to someone who, let’s be frank, has no business winning any political contest whatsoever. You cannot have a victory speech about getting the spirit award.

Conant: See, now you’re just underestimating us. We held a victory rally after Rubio came in third in Iowa. We held a victory rally after he came in second in South Carolina. We didn’t hold a victory rally after he came in fifth in New Hampshire, but that’s just because our victory rally manager was out with the flu. Senator Rubio actually won something this time; if that doesn’t merit an unreasonably self-confident speech, I don’t know what does.

readme: Winning an election. That’s what does.

Conant: Look at all the endorsements we got from establishment politicians! Look at our several-hundred-person rallies! Look at the beautiful trophy that the RNC saw fit to award us! Surely, the Rubio campaign was nothing if not an unmitigated success.

readme: You poor, poor delusional bastard. Thank you for your time.

At press time, there’s pretty much no chance that Rubio wasn’t already gearing up to run again in 2020.