Apratim Vidyarthi, Stolen Valentines Correspondent
Wikileaks recently announced its most troubling cache of files since the Snowden affair, revealing the inner thinkings and workings of presidential candidates. As news goes, these releases were of primary interest to TMZ and E! News, though CNN did run 24 continuous hours of news coverage in a break from their search for MH-370.
Hillary Clinton went for the classic message, with a card that said “Roses are red, violets are blue, campaign for me, because you owe me for 20 years of suffering for you.” In a sign of political shrewdness, Clinton released this message along with her latest batch of emails, fearing that hiding her Valentine’s day message would lead to another 12-hour hearing in Washington DC. A Clinton campaign member, who wishes to retain her anonymity, stated that they hope that this romantic gesture shows that Hillary Clinton has feelings, engages in feelings, and hopefully this will improve her standing amongst younger voters who don’t believe Clinton has feelings.
Bernie Sanders reverted to his stump speech in his message to his wife: “99% of my love is devoted to 1 person: you. Under my Presidency, everyone will get a chance at love. Secretary Clinton has taken donations from Cupid. She will not take on big love.” Sanders is reportedly a big romantic, having taken his wife to the most beautiful of all places for their honeymoon in the 60’s—the USSR.
Marco Rubio gave his wife a card that simply stated “Let’s dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing.” This came as no surprise to scientists, who have begun to investigate whether Senator Rubio is natural or manmade. Constitutional scholars have yet to debate on whether a robot could be eligible for the highest office of the nation.
However, constitutional scholars taking Senator Cruz to court over his citizenship were not surprised by Cruz’s message to his wife. Cruz actually apologized to his wife, saying “I am sorry we’re not together this Valentine’s day. I love you as much as I love America, which by the way is my home country. I love you more than I love machine gun-cooked bacon, and more than Obama loves socialism.” Scientists referred to Cruz’s usage of the word ‘sorry’ as further evidence that Cruz truly is Canadian, and is simply putting up his repugnant facade to gain the trust of (American) voters.
Donald Trump’s Valentine’s day message was classy as himself, writing to his wife that “no wall can get between us. I love you more than I love myself. Also, I would date my daughter.” Analysts expressed surprise not only at the fact that Trump was romantic, but also at the idea that someone is still married to Mr. Trump.
Jeb? Bush, whose candidacy has evolved from Jeb! to Jeb? to Jeb… had a desperate message for his wife, whom he confused as a South Carolina voter: “I hope you’ll vote for me!”
Finally, Wikileaks did not release messages from Ben Carson, who was widely reported to have been asleep during Valentine’s day and thus have missed it; and from John Kasich, who Wikileaks mistakenly identified as an unknown democratic candidate.