Third-World Catastrophes Ruin Spring Break

Thatcher Montgomery, Privilege Expert

To find out where college students were heading for spring break, readme hit the ground to get the word on the streets. What it found, however, was disheartening. There just weren’t any more good locations for vacations!

“I was thinking of going somewhere south, like maybe Mexico, or Cancún. Those are two different places, right?” readme eyed the student, wondering if there were any geography requirements in whatever college they were in.

“Anyway, I heard that there’s some weird virus going on down there, and that you can catch it from mosquito bites. That made me hesitant, but then I heard that it’s sexually transmitted, too! You can take precautions to avoid getting bitten by mosquitos, but when you’re blackout drunk on an off-shore stop during your cruise, sometimes sexually transmitted diseases just happen.”

readme pointed out that there were precautions to be taken against STDs, too, but the student had already moved on. The Zika virus was a large cause of concern for would-be spring break travelers, even though not everyone knew what it was called. Or what its effects were. Or anything about it at all, really.

“The zebra virus totally cancelled my plans to travel down to some third world country and party for a week! I don’t want any lasting consequences from my bacchanalian escapades. Especially if it means my head shrinks.”

As for other vacation locales, some students had been hoping to hit the beaches in Fiji, but Cyclone Winston hit them first. “I would still go to like, help give the economy a bump with my tourism and all, but I don’t really want to have to deal with sobbing natives and blown-over beach chairs.”

Australia was their second choice, but after hearing that the land down under didn’t even want a cute little baby, they decided their chances of getting in were slim.

One student was thinking of heading to India to visit a friend, but protests and water shortages put an end to that. Protests about what? Why water shortages? The student didn’t know, just that they would rather protest the fun shortage during spring break.

Finally, readme found some people who had settled on spring break plans. “We’re going to Syria, because it’s so cheap. It sounds like everyone’s moving out and they’re doing some remodeling, but we don’t mind a little dust. You wouldn’t believe how much they want us to come join them, the brochures they put out make it look great!”

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