Student Plans to Break Every Spring in Sight


Spencer Early, Elastic Metal Expert

Still confused about this upcoming “spring break”, freshman Charlie Thumpwig decided to do as he was told rather than ask the question, “What is spring break all about?” He figured there must be at least a few dozen springs in each of the approximately 230 robots on campus. Would 9 days really be enough time to break all of those springs? Thumpwig pondered.

Planning to carefully disassemble each robot, remove and break every spring, and then reassemble each machine, Thumpwig pored through the floorplans of every campus building, drawing a detailed map. Undercover readme reporters were able to get an up-close, exclusive view of Thumpwig’s plans, until they happened to sneeze and Thumpwig ordered them to “get out of my dorm room!”

It looked as though his route would spend the most time in Gates and Newell-Simon, breaking the springs in robots ranging from Tank, the roboceptionst, to Baxter, the multi-purpose factory robot. If Cobot happened by, Thumpwig would break its springs as well. A slight detour would be made to the University Center, where the Robotics Club is. Also, because Thumpwig is a real go-getter and always goes above and beyond the minimum expectations, he was hoping to have time to desolder every connection of RoboBuggy while he was down there.

Thumpwig also realized that it wasn’t just robots that had springs to break: any trampolines on campus were fair game, as well as staplers, faculty kids’ pogo sticks, chip clips, and all clicky ballpoint pens. He wasn’t sure if the dorm mattresses had springs or were just thick padding, but by golly he was going to rip one open to find out. No spring would be safe from Charlie Thumpwig. Not during spring break.

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