Rate of Return on Dark Money Hits 6-Year Low

Look at how sad this man is. LOOK HOW SAD.

Mark Saporta, Senseless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent

The Bureau of Campaign Finance Analysis (BCFA) has just released grim news concerning the state of the campaign donation market. According to its latest report, following Jeb Bush’s momentous but altogether unsurprising announcement that he was exiting the 2016 Republican primary, the rate of return on massive anonymous political donations is lower now than at any point since the Citizens United decision in 2010.

Despite hundreds of unreasonably wealthy (yet surprisingly shortsighted) donors dumping $150 million into the coffers of Bush’s Right To Rise PAC, his campaign began sputtering as early as last August and he was buried in all three early primary states. In fact, according to the report, the more than $33 million he spent in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina translated into only 92,000 votes total. This is in marked contrast to the 2012 Republican primary, in which Mitt “Self-Deportation” Romney steamrolled Santorum, Gingrich et. al. with a significantly smaller hoard of money.

Also contributing to the decline in returns on dark money is Hillary Clinton’s currently middling performance against Bernie Sanders in the Democratic primary. Despite having the support of the entire Democratic donor class, Clinton has gone 1-1-1 in the three primaries held thus far and looks to be due for an arduous battle against an old, white, grumpy socialist guy who was until recently a longer shot than your average ICBM.

Not only have the returns on Super PAC contributions fallen considerably from their peak in 2012, but returns on other forms of campaign contributions have skyrocketed. GOP frontrunner and (honestly, it’s not even worth registering disgust at this point. If America really wants a xenophobic insult comic whose policy proposals are so vague as to essentially not exist as its Republican nominee, who am I to stand in its way) Donald Trump has risen to his commanding position at the top of the field almost exclusively through self-funding, and Sanders is combating the Clinton juggernaut semi-successfully on millions of donations of $20 or less.

This sudden reversal has made the 2016 presidential election a poor climate for large political investors, and the BCFA is advising plutocrats interested in the market to invest in statewide races instead. That way, instead of making no difference whatsoever, their sums will neutralize the effects of the other party’s campaign donations, which is much more useful.

At press time, if any more billionaires want to stimulate the US economy by throwing their hard-earned cash at fruitless candidates, they can feel free.

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