PSA: Ditch Passwords, Use Dvorak

dvoraaaaaaaaak

Spencer Early, Dvorak User

A new study conducted by the Information Security Office determined that, while helpful in keeping out malicious identity thieves, an average of 0.112 percent of time on a computer is spent entering passwords. To combat this formidable time-waster, a team of security experts devised a cracker-proof alternative, the Dvorak keyboard layout. CMU Chief of Information Security August Dvorak says “[students] have a lot on their minds, so they shouldn’t be wasting 15 seconds each day entering passwords and trying to remember them. This change will make things much easier.” Especially since “no one would ever use it,” all would-be identity thieves will be utterly confused by the gibberish output from the esoteric keyboard layout. Making the switch to Dvorak will be simple, as most operating systems support Dvorak as an ANSI standard.

With the proposed security initiative, students should be able to leave their laptops unattended on the third floor of Gates without fear of some passerby making an unauthorized facebook post about “I’m a slug”—which would instead type “C-m a ongi”, which is precisely the sound a duck makes gargling saltwater. The potential thief would then immediately call the Marine Animal Rescue to administer proper medical help to the duck to stop the primitive salt gargling.

ECE major Sydney Elliott claims the change will be a roaring success for him. “This whole password business is especially bad when I mistype my password. Not only do I waste time and have to re-enter my credentials, but also, I nervously look over my shoulder in fear someone accusing me of hacking someone’s account.”

However, not everyone is pleased with this new initiative. Die-hard qwerty user Christopher Sholes contends that “The uprising of Dvorak is destroying American values such as finger gymnastics, carpal tunnel, and reduced typing speeds. We must act now to fight the keyboard layout change.” At press time, Sholes was seen conducting research that could expose security holes in substituting passwords with arcane keyboard layouts.

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