President Probably Still Doing Stuff, We Guess


Mark Saporta, Government Dysfunction Political Correspondent

Multiple sources have recently confirmed that, despite the sum total of American political energy being devoted to the primary elections, President Obama is most likely still doing things that are probably important.

As the Republican candidates are savaging each other to claim the honor of being the most blitheringly conservative and Clinton and Sanders are in a fierce battle for the nation’s college students and former Wall Street occupiers, Obama has definitely vetoed some bill or signed some executive order about coal or gotten sued or something.

He’s had to. Right? He’s the President! Presidents make momentous decisions on pretty much a daily basis. There’s probably some foreign policy thing he did in the Middle East or China or Papua New Guinea or wherever that your political correspondent is just forgetting about for some reason.

Wait, wasn’t he thinking about conducting bombing raids in Libya? Your correspondent thought he saw Libya in the news the other day…

Eh, probably not. If that had happened, we would have heard the candidates respond to it by now. Especially Trump. He would have been all “Obama is such a loser! All he’s doing is bombing Libya, which is something a loser would do. Why isn’t he sending troops? When I’m president, we’ll be sending so many troops into Libya! I will build a wall around Libya and make ISIS pay for it! We’ll win Libya so hard instead of losing it, like we’re doing now.”

Classic Trump.

One source has even claimed that there’s “this whole Supreme Court nomination thing he’s gotta deal with now” that is “actually really significant.” This assertion seems to have some basis in fact, seeing as the death of Justice Scalia has provided an opportunity for Obama to nominate a liberal replacement. However, the weight of probability suggests that no nominee will be confirmed by the Republican-controlled Senate until, you guessed it, after the 2016 election. So that’s a bit of a moot point anyhow.

In conclusion, your political correspondent can semi-confidently state that Obama has taken one or more actions in the last six months.

At press time, President Obama was still a former political nobody unexpectedly elected to be the single most powerful person in the world.

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