EPA Commends Deer Park’s Eco-Slim Cap

deer park

Spencer Early, Plastic Whistle Blower

Deer Park (100% Natural Spring Water) researcher Dr. Lynda Hortshire spent 4 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days researching and developing the revolutionary Eco-Slim cap as we know it today. The research team at Deer Park determined that, by substituting a smaller mold in the factory, the caps could be made 30 percent smaller. Only 4 months and 1.2 million dollars later, they discovered that the entire bottle could be manufactured using less plastic if they simply made the walls of their bottles thinner.

In this revolutionary discovery, Deer Park changed from their proprietary size A51 bottle to their radical new 500 mL design. It is truly remarkable how the human will never fails to improve. However, some have stated Dr. Hortshire is merely reducing packaging costs for Deer Park while simultaneously doing some schnazzy marketing.

Evidence for the landfill-shrinking potential of the Deer Park Eco-Slim cap is everywhere—just ask Paul Horker. Clambering along the ridgesides of Frick Park in search of his lost dog, Horker came across an improperly-disposed-of disposable water bottle, wedged between two mossy logs. “Where’d this come from?!” Generally inclined to remove litter, Horker approached this human-made debris. Upon closer inspection, it was nothing other than the Deer Park 500 mL bottle, proclaiming on its label “smaller cap, less plastic.”

“Wow!” exclaimed Horker. “I mistook the friend for foe. Not only does this bottle feature the Eco-Slim cap, which uses 30 percent less plastic, the bottle itself was—wait a sec—the cap is missing! Great, that means even smaller environmental impact,” Paul elaborated as a chipmunk slowly suffocated, trapped inside the bottle. Meanwhile, a colony of mosquitoes thrived in rainwater accumulated in the cap, preparing to infect the world with malaria and Zika virus. To summarise, Deer Park’s latest technology in disposable water bottles allows for chucking them wherever you do so desire.

In fact, one of the greatest garbage-generating activities one can engage in is the use of a reusable water bottle, because compared to a single-use bottle, they contain an average of 21 times the total plastic, and the caps contain 127 times more plastic. Therefore, the EPA recommends consumers to use only single-use Deer Park plastic bottles.

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