Incredibly Obscure GOP Gov to Suspend Campaign

racicot

Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Election Correspondent

Former Montana governor and completely unremarkable Republican Marc Racicot announced his intent to suspend his campaign on Thursday, finally putting the bullet into a misadventure that everyone expected to end several months ago. Racicot, who had consistently polled .5% or less both nationally and in the early primary states, came in dead last in the Iowa caucus held last Monday.

Racicot was reportedly even beaten by equally forgettable former Virginia governor Jim Gilmore, who infamously received 12 votes total in the caucus. A chance at beating Gilmore and not coming in last was the inspiration for Racicot to enter the race, but unfortunately Gilmore was just too strong. In fact, once the caucus results were double-checked, it was confirmed that Racicot garnered precisely one vote—cast by his only Iowa staffer.

For a retrospective on Gov. Racicot’s amazingly uneventful campaign and his decidedly expected suspension, readme has of course turned to Racicot’s press secretary, fundraising team, policy workshop, speechwriter and best friend Greg “Longshot” Whitman:

readme: Well, the Racicot campaign has ended as it started—almost completely unacknowledged. Why do you think you were unable to develop any voter enthusiasm, or build any infrastructure, or, you know, accomplish literally anything?

Greg: I don’t know, man… There’s this anti-establishment sentiment going through the Republican Party this cycle that’s made it nearly impossible for anyone with governing experience to gain traction.

readme: While that may be true, that doesn’t explain how Gov. Racicot ended up getting literally one vote, and from someone on his payroll to boot. There wasn’t anything you or the governor could do?

Greg: Nope, nothing. We ran the best campaign we could given the times. I have no regrets.

readme: Why didn’t you hire anyone? Why didn’t you hold events? Why—

Greg: Look. LOOK. I DID NOTHING WRONG. GOVERNOR RACICOT DID NOTHING WRONG. WE JUST RAN AT AN UNFORTUNATE TIME. EVERYTHING IS FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE. EVERYTHING IS F-F-

Ed. note: At this point, Mr. Whitman began sobbing uncontrollably and, in a relatively lucid moment, asked for the interview to be ended.

At press time, the Wikipedia entry on Gov. Racicot’s 2016 run was doubled in size to two lines of text.

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