Ben Kaplan, Human Correspondent
Today, President Subra Suresh, Dean of Computer Science Andrew Moore, and Psychology Department Head Michael Tarr proudly announced that Carnegie Mellon is opening a Center for Human-Human Interaction.
“Carnegie Mellon is the world’s leader in computer science, but computers have not—*cough* yet *cough*—replaced the need for human to human interactions in today’s complex and rapidly changing world,” said Dean Moore.
“It has come to the university’s attention that the social skills and in-person charisma of some of our students and faculty have a high potential for improvements, improvements that will benefit the entire CMU community,” explained President Suresh.
“Simply put, we are trying to make people at CMU less [expletive censored] awkward!” Dr. Tarr exclaimed.
The center will aim to build upon basic and newly realized psychological tenets with CMU’s expertise in the fields of big data analysis and algorithm design. One of the main initiatives, Friendship and Romance Target Enhancement Drive (FARTED) will encourage students who wish to find friends or romantic partners but are unable to do so. Dean Moore detailed how CMU’s new matching algorithm will select students of compatible personality, interests, and a host of other metrics. Dr. Tarr explained how each pairing will then go through all 36 of Arthur Aron’s famous intimacy generating questions, which have been scientifically found to generate high level of personal closeness and romantic attraction among complete strangers (no seriously, ask any psychology major, or Google, about this). In addition, the computer science department insisted on several new questions, totaling 42, which will ensure the two participants are right for each other. Moore and Tarr are keeping the contents of the questions a secret, but hint that they have to do with the meaning of life, the universe, and everything.
For those not interested in becoming romantically paired with their lifelong soulmates at this point in their career, the Human-Human Interaction Institute is offering an alternative program called FUN. The FUN acronym can be broken down as such: F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me, N is for anywhere, anytime at all down here in the deep blue sea. FUN is meant to teach Carnegie Mellon students how to take a break from stressing out about jobs or coursework, and enjoy themselves and create bonds of friendship. FUN is a joint project with University of Pittsburgh’s newly created oceanography institute. Either the FARTED or FUN initiative will be mandatory for all students. Failure to participate will result in a 1 point deduction in QPA.
Future initiatives of the Human-Human Interaction Institute include Seminars for Acting Cool And Professional (SACAP) and other measures guaranteed to ensure that “CMU does not get lumped together with University of Chicago and Columbia in the Ivy League of Un-Fun Schools (ILUFS),” said President Suresh.