Oregon Militia Supporters Appropriate “Hands Up”

Thatcher Montgomery, Senior Oppressor

In an entirely unshocking turn of events, whites have once again taken something originating in another ethnic group and stripped it of its meaning for their own use.

For roughly a month, members of a white “militia” have been holed up in a wildlife refuge in Oregon, demanding that the federally owned land be returned to the people of the United States. While on a road trip to drum up support, the leaders of the occupation were apprehended, and one was shot and killed.

Almost immediately after the death of the Robert “LaVoy” Finicum, supporters were using the same “hands up” narrative that originated in the shootings of unarmed blacks. Despite having no evidence at that point in time, and the fact that when a video came out of the shooting, LaVoy was clearly reaching for something (could it have been the pistol at his side, perhaps?) after fleeing from the traffic stop and attempting to bust through a police roadblock, the libertarian freedom fighters were quick to latch on to the idea that LaVoy had been shot entirely unjustifiably.

“You know, when it happened to one of them black folk, we thought it was all bullshit. But now that one of our guys got shot (which we never thought would happen, he was white for Chrissakes), we decided it wasn’t too bad a line to use after all,” some white guy from the middle of nowhere said.

“I wanted absolute proof when they said that Michael Brown was unarmed and had his hands up, because why would I believe that about some random black thug. And he smoked crack, or something. But I knew LaVoy, and I knew his thoughts on the government, and I knew that he loved his guns and always wanted to be a martyr. So of course, I instantly thought he had his hands up in peaceful surrender when the all-powerful government overlords shot him down in their brutal tyranny,” added another white guy, from the same place.

The appropriation of a black protest to serve a white purpose is just another instance of cultural appropriation. It comes hot on the heels of Macklemore appropriating being upset about appropriation in his latest single, White Privilege II. But most whites don’t need to worry about that, because they don’t live in places like Flint, Michigan, where public services are literally poison; and they aren’t thugs or terrorists, but instead they get to be militia, like they stepped out of a story from the American Revolution, a story that’s probably the prequel to The Birth of a Nation.

After their success in cleaning up the “hands up” cry by removing all of its connection to race, the remaining Oregon terrorists are planning on appropriating prison cells that are disproportionately filled with non-violent black men.

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