Horrendous Heely Accident in Helix

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The tragic accident has opened a dialogue about the proper use of the Helix

Spencer Early, Alternate Transportation Correspondent

On February 1st at 1:12 am, Henry Heelenschteil set out to Gates. Through his bleary-eyed, red bull plagued stupor, it seemed to Hellenschteil that the Helix was just begging to be used, despite the well-known fact that it takes 2 minutes and 13 seconds to take the Helix from foor 5 to floor 3, while the stairs only take 25.1 seconds to make the same journey.

Henry slowly slogged down the Helix. “But wait,” Henry realized. “I have Heelys!” Unaware that the Helix is a public highway on which every user has the right to not be mowed over, Henry tipped back on his feet, and commenced to gracefully sail down the helix. After passing 3*pi/4 radians past 4102, an unidentified fixture impeded his path, sending him plummeting down, knocking off that projector that is constantly playing animations of trapezoids running away from heptacontagons.

Consequently, a temporary ban on Heelys has been placed on the Helix. Some are concerned about Henry’s condition will he need to get wheeled into an ambulance, or will he heal on his own time? Only time will tell, but the Heelys ban will certainly paint an ominous picture of the risks of Helix tragedies. Who knows, maybe we’ll get to fill out a Discrimination against Shoes on the Helix survey in exchange for a pair of Heelys.

Despite benefits due to increased safety, some are outraged. “It’s called the Heelix for a reason, right? I mean, who’d want to walk all the way around it unless you had some spiffy wheeled shoes?” readme does have to admit, the posted signs don’t explicitly disallow Heelys, and they super-hip wheeled shoes do turn the Helix from a never-ending, time-sucking spiral of doom into a fun way of transitioning between floors, as long as you’re going down.

Disability Services is considering allowing an exception as long as the wheeled shoes are used “solely to facilitate mobility.”

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