Op-Ed: Fuck Bill

Trolly McTrollerson, guest writer

Who is this Bill guy? Why does everyone care about him all of a sudden? Oh, he’s so great, everyone should be like Bill. Why, huh? Why? Y’all act like he’s the second coming.

If Bill really didn’t care about things he sees on the internet, then why would he post so many memes of himself not caring? Hey, Bill! You thought you could stop feeding me by posting about me obliquely, outside of my usual hangouts in 4chan, but I’ve got eyes in Facebook, too! I know exactly when someone is passive-aggressively posting about me without using my name! Say it! Say my name!

That’s right, I’m Trolly McTrollerson, living under the bridges of the internet, and I’m here to rile up arguments. I post selfies with my iPhone 7 in the gym mirrors and use a million hashtags and share pictures of myself with my half-naked girlfriend for the likes. I’m there when your racist great-aunt says something about segregation when you post a picture including any people of color, I’m there when your friend from high school shares a “Make America Great Again” status, and I’m there whenever you scroll down slightly too far while watching a Youtube video.

And you know what? Sometimes I say really terrible things. Sometimes I call people crude and hurtful names, or tell them that I fucked their mothers or send them death threats. Sometimes I do all of that and more. And Bill wants everyone to ignore me?

I mean seriously, I’m a public menace, and Bill wants everyone to just move on without a word? Bill wants to relinquish the internet to me and my kind? What a fucking coward.

Bill really hates my guts. But he doesn’t even have the courage to tell me that to my face. Bill is like someone who posts social commentary in Overheard because they didn’t feel like making a scene in real life. Instead of just saying what he wants, Bill pretends to be above all of the mud and shit flinging of the internet, and pretends he doesn’t care.

He even has the cojones to say that he’s humble, when he’s got a whole family of memes about how awesome he is.

If you’re really like Bill, you’re a narcissistic asshole who can’t stand up for himself. Also, I heard Bill drugged a bunch of women and raped them, had sexual relations with his secretary while married to his wife, and runs a real shitty show on Fox news. Not cool, Bill.

Funny? Not Funny?

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