Tuition Not the Only Thing Increasing

Thatcher Montgomery, Incremental Growth Correspondent

Last week, university president Subra Suresh announced that in addition to the yearly tuition increase, Carnegie Mellon University was hoping to increase everything else, as well.

“We always raise tuition, every year. And what more do students get for their money? Until now, nothing. But we want to change that.”

Suresh’s Strategic Undertaking for Positive Energy and Relations with Smart, Interdisciplinary Zebras and Echidnas, or SUPERSIZE, has a goal of increasing the CMU experience by the same amount as the increase in tuition.

This means that next year, students should expect to see 3.28% longer class times, 3.28% more options at dining locations, 3.28% more square footage in the buildings, 3.28% higher ceilings, and 3.28% more students per class to use up the extra space.

Reactions have been mixed, although generally positive. “I guess I should be getting my money’s worth,” one student said cautiously when shown the initiative. “I’m not sure how having slightly higher ceilings and larger desks will help accomplish that, but it seems like a step in the right direction, I guess.”

However, some members of the campus community are intently opposed to SUPERSIZEing everything. Mechanical engineering senior Khutin DeDrag agonized, “Does having a 3.28% increase in buggy size and a 3.28% increase in the length of the Buggy course mean times will get worse by 3.28%? Will buggies now be required to have a minimum of 3.0984 wheels!?”

Some math professors have banded together to prove that exponentially increasing the size of everything would eventually lead to impossible growth, and increasing class times would end up forcing students to take multiple classes concurrently just to keep up.

A 5th year CS major who was unlucky enough to have 8:30 am courses for the past nine semesters wonders if this means classes start 3.28% earlier.

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