Thatcher Montgomery, Tinfoil Correspondent
In a surprising turn of events, George R.R. Martin announced that he had decided to kill off The Winds of Winter.
“I meant to have the news out sooner,” the author said, blaming the revelation’s delay on troubles with attaching parchment to pigeon legs. After several attempts in which the birds just pecked the paper to shreds, he moved on to the slightly-less-archaic format of his LiveJournal blog.
“I knew that many of my fans were trying to figure out what would happen to my characters, sometimes even before I knew what was going to happen. The soldier-at-arms mentioned once in A Clash of Kings, the farmer who owned the fields that were trampled off-page by the Brave Companions, the barnacles that were on Stannis’ fleet at the Battle of the Blackwater; All of them had a part to play, and you just weren’t giving me the time I needed to figure it out!”
“And so, I decided to fool you all and take the series in a direction none of your tinfoil hats could foresee. Despite the foreshadowing of your favorite characters getting killed left and right, none of you saw your favorite book getting the axe!”
Fans of the book series were in shock, although many agreed that they should have seen it coming. Some are still searching for meaning in the blog entry, despite Martin’s insistence that it’s over.
“He may say that it’s all done, but he’s a slippery bastard. The soldier-at-arms he referenced is from a smallfolk family that used to serve the Reynes, but fled to his extended family in the Vale when Tywin Lannister destroyed the Reynes. This is all obvious from his description as “a soldier-at-arms.” He stands in for the readers. The farmer is George R.R. Martin, who has had his book destroyed, but he’s telling us that it wasn’t his choice. No, it was HBO, which is characterized as the vicious mercenary Vargo Hoat. He’s telling us to abandon the television show and follow him, the one true writer for A Song of Fire and Ice. And don’t even dare call it Game of Thrones, unless you’re specifically referring to the first book.”
“Oh, and the barnacles at the bottom of the Blackwater reference Arya’s “oysters, clams, and cockles,” and show that she’s going to convert to the Drowned God before coming back to King’s Landing to rule.”
Some have reported clashes between book readers and television viewers, although casualties are thankfully low. The television show is to continue onwards, as it had already begun