Spencer Early, Health Correspondent
According to a National Institutes of Health study, human life expectancy has increased from 79 years in 2014 to 82 years in 2015.
“Primarily caused by a high influx of ‘Doc-in-the-boxes’ in places where healthcare was previously not affordable, NIH research and donations have brought much-needed medical facilities to the poorer communities of America,” NIH spokesperson Levin Foreva said. “I try my best to benefit everyone,” said Foreva, “but no matter what I do, it seems like there is some blithering ingrate who undermines my accomplishments.”
That’s right, increased lifespans have stirred up controversy in certain communities. At the Acme Coffin Factory in Ketchum, Idaho, this surging three-year lifespan increase has left a wake of damage to the job security of factory workers. Thirty-year employee Bill Coughton is one such worker losing his job to the progress towards immortality.
In a recent interview, Coughton revealed his utter disgust. “My granny told me, ‘The only things you can count on in this world are death and taxes.’ I really wanted to be a pilot, but for fear of potential unemployment, I instead opted to forego all the pilot training for a humdrum career in the coffin industry. Now I’m getting laid off because of those no-good doctors who keep saving people.”
President Obama has addressed this issue by encouraging Congress to pass a bill that would funnel taxpayer money to annually mass-produce over 95,012 realistic dummies per year. These would be used to fill coffins in the place of actual dead people.