Op-Ed: Fuck Bill

Trolly McTrollerson, guest writer

Who is this Bill guy? Why does everyone care about him all of a sudden? Oh, he’s so great, everyone should be like Bill. Why, huh? Why? Y’all act like he’s the second coming.

If Bill really didn’t care about things he sees on the internet, then why would he post so many memes of himself not caring? Hey, Bill! You thought you could stop feeding me by posting about me obliquely, outside of my usual hangouts in 4chan, but I’ve got eyes in Facebook, too! I know exactly when someone is passive-aggressively posting about me without using my name! Say it! Say my name!

That’s right, I’m Trolly McTrollerson, living under the bridges of the internet, and I’m here to rile up arguments. I post selfies with my iPhone 7 in the gym mirrors and use a million hashtags and share pictures of myself with my half-naked girlfriend for the likes. I’m there when your racist great-aunt says something about segregation when you post a picture including any people of color, I’m there when your friend from high school shares a “Make America Great Again” status, and I’m there whenever you scroll down slightly too far while watching a Youtube video.

And you know what? Sometimes I say really terrible things. Sometimes I call people crude and hurtful names, or tell them that I fucked their mothers or send them death threats. Sometimes I do all of that and more. And Bill wants everyone to ignore me?

I mean seriously, I’m a public menace, and Bill wants everyone to just move on without a word? Bill wants to relinquish the internet to me and my kind? What a fucking coward.

Bill really hates my guts. But he doesn’t even have the courage to tell me that to my face. Bill is like someone who posts social commentary in Overheard because they didn’t feel like making a scene in real life. Instead of just saying what he wants, Bill pretends to be above all of the mud and shit flinging of the internet, and pretends he doesn’t care.

He even has the cojones to say that he’s humble, when he’s got a whole family of memes about how awesome he is.

If you’re really like Bill, you’re a narcissistic asshole who can’t stand up for himself. Also, I heard Bill drugged a bunch of women and raped them, had sexual relations with his secretary while married to his wife, and runs a real shitty show on Fox news. Not cool, Bill.

App Drags FCEs out of File Cabinet, Adds Color

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For example, 15-112 has good overall ratings but with a heavy workload

UNPAID ADVERTISEMENT written by Thatcher Montgomery, that integrity-less bastard

Ever wonder what happens to your Faculty Course Evaluations (FCEs) after you spend countless hours writing praise about your professors?

Well, they used to just get thrown in some dusty file cabinet on top of all the FCEs from previous semesters. Now, however, a handful of brave students have braved the mold and mildew to rummage through the cabinets and bring your FCEs into the future.

Introducing cmucoursereviews.me, a visually enticing way to see what people are saying about courses. Instead of having to scan rows and rows of numbers that mean this or that, cmucoursereviews provides coolio little circles with colors! Ooooooh.

You can also comment on a course or ask questions directly on the website. So if you need to clarify that by “A lot of homework,” you really meant “SO MUCH HOMEWORK OMFG,” you can do that.

This website seriously does make FCEs much more intelligible. But don’t just take readme’s word on it. Visit cmucoursereviews.me today and see for yourself!

Be Like Bill: End Internet Flame Wars

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Rin Fair, Social Media Correspondent / Bill Enthusiast

On Wednesday, November 19, YouTube user XxMRA_lyfexX encountered for the first time an image of a man named Bill choosing not to argue about something that offended him on the internet. And just like that, a movement was born.

“It was like this bell going off in my head,” XxMRA_lyfexX told Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly. “You know, here was this guy who had it all figured out. Bill’s smart. I wanted to be like him.” After an awkward pause, he added, “Uh, not you, Bill.”

Just a few weeks later, vlogger Laci Green reported an unprecedented drop in death threats. “I think my message is really starting to get out there,” said Green, who remains unaware of Bill’s social media campaign. “Last week I only got 64 death threats, and a record low 538 comments of ‘tits or gtfo.’ I haven’t had this few threats since I hit 100 subscribers!”

And the movement is only growing. A new novelty reddit account called TheWayOfBill responds to arguments in the comments sections of top subreddit threads with sage advice from Bill.

readme got an inside look at the Bill phenomenon by talking to redditor Bill4Prez, who has been supporting Bill since his early days on the net. “Bill just knows how to live life to the fullest. I heard Bill doesn’t play Candy Crush. They say he has his own life. I couldn’t believe it. Not play Candy Crush? Who still has their own life in this day and age? But if Bill can do it, so can I. So that’s been my New Year’s resolution. Not to play Candy Crush. Oh, and not to send death threats to Laci Green.” Bill4Prez leaned in confidentially. “I’ve only cheated twice.” readme backed away slowly, not wanting to know on which resolution Bill4Prez had cheated.

To determine how widespread the movement is, readme planned to go to a Humans of New York post and insult the subject to count the hateful responses. But, when push came to shove, readme couldn’t bring itself to insult someone on the internet. Bill wouldn’t want it. Flame wars are a thing of the past.

Things You Planned to Do over Break, and Things You Actually Did

• Planned: Have an alcohol blood content when the ball dropped

• Did: Had an alcohol blood content when the ball dropped

• Planned: Parenthood

• Did: Defunded

• Planned: Sleep and also be productive

• Did: Sleep

• Planned: Win the Powerball

• Did: Not win the Powerball

• Planed: Wood

• Planned: Re-unite with family, friends

• Did: Remembered why you only go back home for a few weeks at a time

• Planned: Gorge on holiday food

• Did: Gorged on holiday food

• Planned: Get a head start on job applications

• Did: Got a head start on your Netflix queue

• Planned: Watch the new Star Wars

• Did: Watched the new Star Wars, six times

• Planned: Make a New Year’s resolution and follow through

• Did: Made a New Year’s resolution, put off following through

Clinton: No Worries re. Sanders

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Mark Saporta, Substanceless Inanity 2016 Correspondent

Despite recent polling showing underdog Democratic primary candidate and unabashed Brooklynite Bernie Sanders in the lead in both Iowa and New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton’s press team has insisted that her campaign has precisely zero concerns about his rapid rise. Furthermore, they have claimed, they have understood the wizened 74-year-old socialist who had up until recently had virtually no name recognition outside of Vermont to be a potentially dire threat to their political fortunes since he entered the race. Your political correspondent, as infallibly committed to the next big scoop as always, decided to follow up on this bold assertion by interviewing top Clinton surrogate and not-a-David-Brock-stand-in, why-would-you-think-that John Misty about how the Clinton campaign is handling the new polls:

readme: So you’re really not worried about Sanders potentially winning upsets in Iowa or New Hampshire?

Misty: Worried? Me? Why would I be worried? Should I be worried? What would I be worried about? I’M NOT WORRIED.

readme: ….Are you sure? You sound kind of worried, if I’m being honest.

Misty: No, no no no. Our campaign has anticipated Sanders’ rise since last year! No, since last decade! No, even further…Let me tell you a tale, young one. A tale that will prove to you and all your ilk that we’ve expected this all along!

readme: I…guess so? Shoot.

Misty: Long, long ago, deep in the mists of time, a boy was born. This boy was to be christened Bernard, and his birth was felt by pollsters across the nation. For this boy was destined to be the Great Challenger, the one spoken of in the prophecy, the one who would one day rise up to do surprisingly well against BUT NOT DEFEAT THAT’S IMPORTANT a great political foe. We knew about the prophecy, of course, as all Democratic party elites did, and we used every tool at our disposal to stop him from running for President. Sadly, despite over seventy years of machinations, we were unable to prevent this dire fate, and he announced his category in May 2015. So yeah, we’ve been expecting him to do well. He’s not going to win, obviously. That’d be crazy.

readme: …Welp.

Misty’s final declaration was followed by several seconds of nervous laughter and hair-scratching, as well as the visible formation of sweat on his forehead.

At press time, DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz was completely unworriedly huddled in a boardroom, tearing her hair out.

Tuition Not the Only Thing Increasing

Thatcher Montgomery, Incremental Growth Correspondent

Last week, university president Subra Suresh announced that in addition to the yearly tuition increase, Carnegie Mellon University was hoping to increase everything else, as well.

“We always raise tuition, every year. And what more do students get for their money? Until now, nothing. But we want to change that.”

Suresh’s Strategic Undertaking for Positive Energy and Relations with Smart, Interdisciplinary Zebras and Echidnas, or SUPERSIZE, has a goal of increasing the CMU experience by the same amount as the increase in tuition.

This means that next year, students should expect to see 3.28% longer class times, 3.28% more options at dining locations, 3.28% more square footage in the buildings, 3.28% higher ceilings, and 3.28% more students per class to use up the extra space.

Reactions have been mixed, although generally positive. “I guess I should be getting my money’s worth,” one student said cautiously when shown the initiative. “I’m not sure how having slightly higher ceilings and larger desks will help accomplish that, but it seems like a step in the right direction, I guess.”

However, some members of the campus community are intently opposed to SUPERSIZEing everything. Mechanical engineering senior Khutin DeDrag agonized, “Does having a 3.28% increase in buggy size and a 3.28% increase in the length of the Buggy course mean times will get worse by 3.28%? Will buggies now be required to have a minimum of 3.0984 wheels!?”

Some math professors have banded together to prove that exponentially increasing the size of everything would eventually lead to impossible growth, and increasing class times would end up forcing students to take multiple classes concurrently just to keep up.

A 5th year CS major who was unlucky enough to have 8:30 am courses for the past nine semesters wonders if this means classes start 3.28% earlier.

Coffin Factory Sues NIH Over Life Expectancy

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Empty coffins means this man may be out of work

Spencer Early, Health Correspondent

According to a National Institutes of Health study, human life expectancy has increased from 79 years in 2014 to 82 years in 2015.

“Primarily caused by a high influx of ‘Doc-in-the-boxes’ in places where healthcare was previously not affordable, NIH research and donations have brought much-needed medical facilities to the poorer communities of America,” NIH spokesperson Levin Foreva said. “I try my best to benefit everyone,” said Foreva, “but no matter what I do, it seems like there is some blithering ingrate who undermines my accomplishments.”

That’s right, increased lifespans have stirred up controversy in certain communities. At the Acme Coffin Factory in Ketchum, Idaho, this surging three-year lifespan increase has left a wake of damage to the job security of factory workers. Thirty-year employee Bill Coughton is one such worker losing his job to the progress towards immortality.

In a recent interview, Coughton revealed his utter disgust. “My granny told me, ‘The only things you can count on in this world are death and taxes.’ I really wanted to be a pilot, but for fear of potential unemployment, I instead opted to forego all the pilot training for a humdrum career in the coffin industry. Now I’m getting laid off because of those no-good doctors who keep saving people.”

President Obama has addressed this issue by encouraging Congress to pass a bill that would funnel taxpayer money to annually mass-produce over 95,012 realistic dummies per year. These would be used to fill coffins in the place of actual dead people.

George R.R. Martin Kills Off The Winds of Winter

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Martin posted and then later removed a Youtube video of the gleeful destruction

Thatcher Montgomery, Tinfoil Correspondent

In a surprising turn of events, George R.R. Martin announced that he had decided to kill off The Winds of Winter.

“I meant to have the news out sooner,” the author said, blaming the revelation’s delay on troubles with attaching parchment to pigeon legs. After several attempts in which the birds just pecked the paper to shreds, he moved on to the slightly-less-archaic format of his LiveJournal blog.

“I knew that many of my fans were trying to figure out what would happen to my characters, sometimes even before I knew what was going to happen. The soldier-at-arms mentioned once in A Clash of Kings, the farmer who owned the fields that were trampled off-page by the Brave Companions, the barnacles that were on Stannis’ fleet at the Battle of the Blackwater; All of them had a part to play, and you just weren’t giving me the time I needed to figure it out!”

“And so, I decided to fool you all and take the series in a direction none of your tinfoil hats could foresee. Despite the foreshadowing of your favorite characters getting killed left and right, none of you saw your favorite book getting the axe!”

Fans of the book series were in shock, although many agreed that they should have seen it coming. Some are still searching for meaning in the blog entry, despite Martin’s insistence that it’s over.

“He may say that it’s all done, but he’s a slippery bastard. The soldier-at-arms he referenced is from a smallfolk family that used to serve the Reynes, but fled to his extended family in the Vale when Tywin Lannister destroyed the Reynes. This is all obvious from his description as “a soldier-at-arms.” He stands in for the readers. The farmer is George R.R. Martin, who has had his book destroyed, but he’s telling us that it wasn’t his choice. No, it was HBO, which is characterized as the vicious mercenary Vargo Hoat. He’s telling us to abandon the television show and follow him, the one true writer for A Song of Fire and Ice. And don’t even dare call it Game of Thrones, unless you’re specifically referring to the first book.”

“Oh, and the barnacles at the bottom of the Blackwater reference Arya’s “oysters, clams, and cockles,” and show that she’s going to convert to the Drowned God before coming back to King’s Landing to rule.”

Some have reported clashes between book readers and television viewers, although casualties are thankfully low. The television show is to continue onwards, as it had already begun