Spencer Early, Troll-Master
With the recent scare of explosive suitcases and construction zones, the Trolls of Oakland have no choice but to move to a safer place. At least, that is what the Oakland Troll Administration says. However, we suspect that the Trolls of Oakland have a much darker motive for their migration. The goal of trolls is to spread misery to all.
In Schenley Park lies a village of Trolls called Trolldale. It is a known fact that CMU final exams are written by the trolls of Trolldale. With exams right around the corner, all of Trolldale has been celebrating the misery caused by the forthcoming finals. The Trolls of Oakland, who write the final exams for Pitt, are enraged to have been once again outdone by Trolldale in making miserable exams. Therefore, the Trolls of Oakland are invading Schenley Park to wage war against Trolldale.
“Baahhr!” roared Grusmithr (meaning “Big Bad Troll” in Trollese), the Oakland Troll from atop the Litchfield Towers. Swinging his club to monger fear in all who could see, Grusmithr leapt from his perch and charged south, leaving trees splintered and parking garages crumbled in his wake of destruction. In a fit of rage, Grusmithr ran to Schenley Park so he could attack the celebrating trolls of Trolldale.
“Ooohh, arrh, I’ve lived under this bridge since 1918”, protested Kluthol of Schenley Park. “‘Ow dare you come to get us!”
“It’s just not fair that you get all the credit for makin’ CMU students miserable wit’ your exams, when they’re already miserable to begin with! Yer no true troll, you!”
“How dare you! We’ll show you! This year’s finals will be the most miserable yet you filthy scumbag, you just see!”
So if your finals happen to be particularly bad, you can blame the trolls.