General Motors to Release Eco-Friendly Model, Runs on Pure Gold

Kwanpo Cheng, Fancy Car Correpsondent

In a recent announcement, the General Motors Company stated they had recently given an okay to the Lustre, a new brand of luxury sports cars that will purportedly run on pure liquid gold. Aimed tentative release date is the third fiscal quarter of 2017, the American automotive giant hopes to make significant returns on the government tax credits.

“We recognize the need for new eco-friendly vehicles,” spokesman Patrick Sterling said at the press conference. “Which is why we have made the significant first step in moving away from using fossil fuels and other non-renewable resources. We hope this bold direction will eventually inspire change in the way consumers think about the environment.”

New “gold stations” will be installed all across the country, similar to Tesla’s strategy for installing electric stations. Owners of the Lustre will be able to check in and refill their tanks with gold while they receive a complimentary back massage.

The vehicle will feature all standard safety features and four-wheel drive for off-road romping through protected nature reserves. The model will also include a new gauge that informs the owner of how much gas and oil they have saved since they purchased the vehicle. This eco-meter will always remain at zero since no fossil fuels have been consumed by the car.

The test drivers have been very enthusiastic about the car. Aaron Hamilton, 39, said he loved simply knowing that he was driving a carbon-zero vehicle. “Sometimes I sit by the eco-meter and just watch it not go up. It gives me something nice to think about while I’m on my lunch break with my sharkfin salad.” When questioned about the vehicle’s flaws, Hamilton responds, “The heating unit doesn’t really work. I usually have to wear one or two fur coats, maybe a mink scarf when I’m driving in the winter. Sometimes I just give up and bring my portable gas heater into the car with me.”

GM said they are “excited” about the positive reception and hopes to inspire consumers to switch to a 100% eco-friendly car. “The price of saving the environment may be high,” said the spokesman, “but the average buyer isn’t good with money anyways. If we build it, they will buy it.”

Consumers who enjoy the car can look forward to a gold-painted version costing about $40,000 more.

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